Battle Royale III: Return of the Battle

Since I didn't do the math at the beginning we're left with three finalists. Here goes.

I originally thought it would be a good idea to just disqualify J&M because nobody knows who they are or what they look like. For all we knew they could be a two headed demon and if that were the case then they absolutely deserve to be in this competition.

Jacoby & Meyers vs Larry H. Parker vs Federated
All three take a different approach to their plan of attack and you'd think the whackadoos at Federated would be at a disadvantage against powerful lawyers but it's the wild card you need to watch out for. Fred Rated brings dynamite to a knife party while his opponents bring lawsuits. Advantage: Fred. Fred also has a plethora of alter egos that easily occupy the same space so what are a few stuffed shirts to do.

Larry H. Parker has made it known that he fights and that he's nearby. I don't know about you but that scares the shit out of me. Advantage: Larry.

Jacoby & Meyers have the whole two headed demon thing going so... Advantage: J&M?

It's a pretty even match if you ask me. Let's let it play out.

Larry comes out swinging and slaps J&M with a cease and desist order which is met with a counter suit stating that they came up with the lawyer commercial first. Larry argues that he was the first to actually appear in his own commercials and that he doesn't use actors. J&M unleashes a fireball from each mouth which ignites Larry's afro. They fail to notice that Fred has filled the court room with explosives and locked them all in. He shows off the finest in 1980's VCR technology before pushing the plunger blowing the four of them to smithereens.

Winner? Fred Rated. He's blown himself up lots of times.

Battle Royale: Part Deux

It's time for round two of my Southern California TV commercial all stars fight to the death. Last we left the kings of the LA basin, and let's be honest, the 80's, we had quite the battle going on. The dust has settled and we've got more casualties.


Round 2
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Jacoby & Meyers vs Phil & Jims

This is really a two on two situation when you look at it. I don't think we ever saw Jacoby, Meyers, Phil, or Jim but I can only imagine that they were all gigantic and menacing. Just to recap the first round we've got J&M with commercials that play out like a "very special" episode of Family Ties. P&J went the quick and dirty route and stuck to their catchy jingle that features three words (Phil and Jims) over and over again. As much as I hated the former and only slightly hated the latter there is a clear winner.

Winner
Jacoby & Meyers were obviously loaded knew that tugging at your heart strings was infinitely better than having a sale.
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Earl Scheib vs Larry H. Parker
I've always wondered what would happen if you put these two assholes into a room together. I'm certain that only one of them is walking out alive but he'll be doing so without a finger and/or an ear.

Winner
Youth wins this bout. Larry H. Parker will take Scheib to court for the shoddy paint job and then shank him in the parking lot. Don't fuck with Larry.
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Federated vs Adee Plumbing
We never knew that they were going out of business. We just realized that there were no more Federated commercials. Adee is still going strong and rightfully so. As long as people poop, we'll have a need for plumbers. It was still a great ride while it lasted. There were two amazing events on TV in the 80's. No, not Geraldo opening Al Capone's vault. I'm talking about The Wonderful World of Disney bringing us "The Journey of Natty Gann" and "Flight of the Navigator" and a new Federated commercial.

Winner
Get 'em, Fred.

COMING SOON

The final three way battle for TV commercial supremacy.

Battle Royale

Growing up in the Los Angeles basin was quite an experience for kids in the 80's. Part of what made it weird were all the local commercials. I know everybody has their own local commercials where they grew up but humor me. I think ours were the best.

I always wondered who would win in a battle royale between the personalities. We're going to do it bracket style because everybody loves a Cinderella story.

Round 1
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Jacoby & Meyers vs FGS Insurance
The battle of the boring. You knew instantly when one of these two snoozers was on that it was time for a quick wee. Jacoby & Meyers were more famous for the incredibly high production value of their commercials over their professional abilities.


FGS Insurance went in the opposite direction by spending as little money as possible on their spots. They must have sponsored the Dodgers at some point because I swear they always managed to get somebody from the outfield to guest star.


WINNER - Jacoby & Meyers
This was an easy one. When you were too sick to change the channel you could do a lot worse than Jacoby & Meyers. Fuck you, FGS Insurance.

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Phil & Jim's vs National Lumber
Snappy jingle versus a cartoon. The funny thing about Phil & Jim's was that they were considered dated back then. I still loved the stupid jingle. Philinjims, philinjims, philinjims...


National Lumber also had a jingle but most people forgot it once that seizure inducing chicken opened its beak. The guy that voiced Cheap Chicken played jazz drums with my grandfather. We were more impressed when he played drums than we were when he did the voice for us.


WINNER - Phil & Jim's
Blame the chicken.

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Jack Stephan vs Adee Plumbing
Catch phrases are cool. Apparently both of these companies were owned and operated by the same guys so that would explain why their commercials were so simiarl. I'm not sure if either of these qualifies as an actual catch phrase but I loved quoting both of these constantly. Sadly, I can't find a copy of the original Jack Stephan commercial with the Charles Grodin lookalike but you get the idea with this updated version. The original Jack had a full head of hair. He's dead now but his legacy lives on.


Adee plumbing also featured a character that we can only assume is God talking about plumbing problems and the company that fixes it. What plumber wears a double breasted suit? Adee do! This guy is straight up bad ass.


Winner - Adee Plumbing
Come on. Not only is the guy in the suit better looking, he's also clearly the voice of God. Stick that in your pipe and clog it, Morgan Freeman.

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Cal Worthington vs Larry Parker
I know I strayed from the formula but hear me out. Two dynamic personalities going to head to head is what this contest is all about. Cal Worthington is a favorite by a mile but only because Larry Parker is such a dweeb.


Or at least Larry used to be a dweeb. Now he's super rich and will sue the shit out of you if you crash your stupid ass into one his clients. You can't even embed his videos. Fuck this guy, right? No way. Larry Parker has the biggest balls on TV.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5QnITZm9nFo

Winner - Larry H. Parker
You object? Fuck you. Larry Parker objects. Get over it, pussy.

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Federated versus Crazy Gideon
Come on in and spend some cash on overpriced electronics. A trip to Federated was always a good time because they had a Nintendo hooked up. A commercial from Federated was equally awesome thanks to Shadoe Stevens as Fred Rated. The commercials were nuts but that was okay for the former MTV generation.


Come on in and buy some crap. Is loud crazy? I don't know but I'd bet you'd never invite him over for dinner. He's out of business now but so is Federated.


Winner - Federated and Fred Rated
Those things on your arms are goosebumps.


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May Company vs Earl Scheib
This is the wild card spot so it's going to be an obvious slobber knocker. The May Company uses their fancy name to promote murder in the name of fashion. What was murdered? Good taste.


Earl comes out swinging by doing the job on the cheap. How does it look when he's done? You guessed it. Cheap.

Winner - Earl Scheib

There's paint on that fur and Earl is holding the bucket.

Stay tuned for round two: Electric boogaloo!

Bond Themes; James Bond Themes

I'm a big fan of the James Bond films and you can't have a Bond film without those incredible opening credits. More often than not they feature either scantily clad or complete nude women flying around visuals related to the film. You'd think that would be why I like them and while I do enjoy the ladies it's more about the music for me.

There are 23 Bond films not counting a few one offs but I'm going to focus on the aforementioned Broccoli films. Stylistically, they're all pretty much the same but each artist made sure their track represented them as well as the film since the title track's carry the films as well. Here are my top ten.

10. Diamonds Are Forever - Shirley Bassey


Yeah, this one sounds a lot like the Adele track but I think that's just because all of these songs are so familiar. Shirley Bassey? More like Shirley Classy.


9. Thunderball - Tom Jones

Contrary to my last pick I'm not a very big Tom Jones fan. I never even considered this one until I was trying to choose what I thought were the best. The little bits from the Monty Jordan theme are nicely integrated and go well with Connery's Bond. I may have to start listening to Tom Jones.


8. The World Is Not Enough - Garbage

I'm already a Garbage fan but until Shirley begins making sweet love to your ears it's anything but Garbage. Maybe that's why I like it so much. All of the ingredients are there but as the song progresses you get those little electronic bits that let you know it's Garbage. Garbage. I'm actually surprised that I picked the theme from a Brosnan film.


7. A View To A Kill - Duran Duran

I may have been a little biased when I picked this one since I pretty much never think of James Bond when I hear this song. The Bond hints are a little less obvious here but the departure from the norm almost fits in with  Roger Moore's departure. When I think of Christopher Walken and Grace Jones it's suddenly perfect. Bon. Simon Le Bon.

6. You Only Live Twice - Nancy Sinatra

I think I like this one for what it leaves out. It's has a certain ease about it that you really don't get with the other bond themes. The electric guitar is so subtle you'd miss it if you weren't listening for it. No Monty Jordan hints here but that's okay with me.

5. License to Kill - Gladys Night

A lot of people didn't think Timothy Dalton was a very good Bond but I think he was great. The song is a little dated but most pop music from the 80's sounded like this so it's to be expected. Gladys rocks it. It sounds a whole lot like the Goldfinger theme but I prefer this one.

4. You Know My Name - Chris Cornell

I like this song. I won't lie to you. Like the others it has all of the ingredients but when it's paired with the opening titles it sets a much more exciting pace for the film. There aren't any scantily clad ladies but I don't care.

3. Another Way to Die - Jack White/Alicia Keys

The internet didn't like this one very much but I think a lot of that had to do with the fact that the movie was abysmal. I still don't know what it was about. What I do know is that this is a great Bond theme. I even considered making it my number one. The best way to watch this movie is to start it from the beginning then turn it off after the opening titles.

2. Skyfall - Adele

This is the title track for the latest film. It also has the distinction of being the second Adele song I've ever heard. That broad can sing I tell you what. Once again it's instantly recognizable as a Bond theme. It actually made me think of You Only Live Twice. Adele takes her time singing Monty Jordan's timeless tune.

1. Dr. No - Monty Jordan

Of course this is going to be my favorite. You hear this big band number in pretty much every Bond theme. Like the character it's got swagger and strength while being unpretentious. I think we believe James Bond is capable of doing what he does because of this song.

There are shitty bond themes as well. Madonna, Sheryl Crow, and A-Ha had no idea what they were doing when they did their respective themes. Thankfully they were able to lock it all down and are making sure that the scores of the new films are as important as the films themselves.

Catching Up

I hate the terrible lags I have in my blog but when you're a boring guy like me it's hard to find things to write about.

Most recently, the wife and I bid adieu to our Ford Flex. There was nothing wrong with it save for it's massive size that rendered it undrivable for Jill. We took it to and from California and it was a revelation. Sadly we don't go on 3200 mile road trips very often so the merits of motoring in a large vehicle went unnoticed while piloting it around town. I'll miss it because it was a very good car. The only peace of mind I get is the awesome car we've replaced it with.

I'd always had my eyes on the Subaru Outback but the planets just didn't align until recently. I tried to buy one when I was cross shopping the Flex but the dealership really didn't want to sell me one so I bought the Flex and got a killer deal on it so that's what I got. Jill can drive the Outback and as soon as she learns how to use her side mirrors she'll be a lot more comfortable driving it.

The other new love of my life is my tablet. I've been considering them for awhile now. I'm enamored with my iPhone and how it was faster than my bargain laptop. Sadly it's just a little too small to do everything I need a computer for so I was stuck with my laptop.  My only real options were the iPad and Galaxy tablet up until now and both cost way more than I prefer to spend. Mind you, I only use my laptop for pretty basic internet stuff. All the major stuff I do is done on a mighty computer but it's in the basement and not portable. When the Kindle Fire hit the scene with it's Graham friendly price tag I took notice but kept my distance. I wasn't sure if it was exactly what I wanted. I had a decent interface but it lacked what I wanted so I figured I'd just wait until either the second generation or something better came along. More than anything I liked the size. Enter the Google Nexus 7 which is another 7" tablet with way more power, a better screen, and the same price tag. I was smitten and Jill was gracious enough to combine a few birthdays and Christmas together for an early mega gift. Yeah, we don't like to spend too much on each other. It's not that we don't love each other and want to shower each other with gifts. We just choose to be smart with our money and blow it on vacations instead.

I pre-ordered it so I had to wait a week or two for it but now that I have it I can honestly say the wait was worth it. I still crack open my laptop every now and then but I've been doing pretty much everything via tablet. I'm converted. Best things ever.

I turn 34 in three weeks which isn't as bad as I thought it would be. Aside from my hair getting  thinner and going grey I'm doing pretty well physically. My doctor told me that my cholesterol was too high so I gave up butter (I ate a lot of it) and started watching what I was eating. I've dropped a few pounds but I find that I'm hungry more often than I used to be. I'm sure I'll get used to it eventually. I haven't been exercising like I should be. Jill has been keeping up with hers and I feel like a schmuck for not doing the same. Motivation is a biggie for me. After a weeks worth of work I just don't want to get on the treadmill. I know if I just keep up with it I won't really notice how much I don't like doing and will just be in the habit of it. Somebody motivate me.

Keeping up with my awesome segues I'll just jump right into music. I've been trying to work on music but I'm back in a funk and just can't work out what I want to do. I know I'm over thinking it but I can't help it. It's what I do. One of these days it will click again and I'll be on the ball. Yeah, and maybe I'm a Chinese jet pilot.

This is a really boring blog so I'm just going to stop right here.

Return of the Blog

It's funny how I blog in waves. I'd like to say it's because I'm out in the world making a difference or that I'm extremely busy with scholarly pursuits but the fact of the matter is that I've been in a funk with nothing going on worth blogging about.

This will be one of my storied potpourri posts in which I just go off on tangents. I tell you this up front because it fills out my blog post and makes it look like I have more to say than I actually do. I'm no writer.

Graham: Stand up comedian.
I've been told time and time again that I should give stand up comedy a try. While I've entertained the notion of doing an open mic or twelve to develop a routine I've never actually done it. Logistics isn't really an issue since there are plenty of ways to get on stage and I've never had trouble booking a gig in the past. You pretty much just need to do it.

I like to think I'm reasonably funny as the occasional goofy comment on Facebook or Twitter will get positive responses. Contrary to popular belief there is lot more to doing stand up than being funny. It takes a certain kind of personality to get up on stage and keep a room interested for 15 to 20 minutes. It's not just firing off jokes because that gets annoying by joke number 2. If it were easy more people would do it and be successful at it. It's so hard that even the best comics get up there and bomb.

I'm sure I've got at least enough material for a typical time slot. Material is an important part but it's only about a third of the pie. The second part is your voice or rather how you address your audience. This is a little trickier especially for me.  Not only do I get incredibly nervous in front of an audience I don't have the clearest voice and I have a bit of a stammer when I'm nervous. Recipe for disaster. I'm sure if I really worked on my material I'd be in good shape but you do need to be able to adapt if you start to bomb.

That last third is the part that most young comics I've seen seem to have trouble with. Rhythm is very important as it sets the pace for your entire routine. If you get off on the wrong foot and miss your beats it just won't work. The first two thirds rolls into this. Your material and the cadence of your voice have to move. One liners are tough to do successfully. It's even tougher if you can't segue from one topic to the next. Since I tend to go off on tangents as noted above it's hard to bring everything together in a cohesive way.

Ultimately I just don't think I can do it. I'm good in small doses among friends and I think it's best I keep it that way.

What's that you're listening to?
Thanks for asking. I've been listening to music again while working. It's not always easy as I spend a great deal of my day on the phone. I like podcasts but after awhile I get to the point of where I'm not really paying attention to what they're saying so those have gone on the back burner for awhile.

It's a funny thing about a great song and how it can turn your whole day around. I have a copy of Sloan doing a cover of Gary Numan's 'Cars' that is pretty darned good. I've always been a Numan fan but I don't listen to his stuff all that much which is a shame because it's really good. I know it's not for everybody but it's right up my alley.


You're pretty cool if you liked that.

I like to think I have broad musical tastes since I can find a favorite in most genres. I can't listen to everything though. I have a tough time with newer music. Maybe I'm just stubborn but I think a lot of it just isn't that good. There's always something missing. Maybe I'm just a music snob.

What's with that stupid grin?
I'm currently on a crusade to be a nicer person. My lovely wife noticed pointed out that I've been really cranky lately. More so than usual. I'm sure most of it is due to my new position at work. I don't like to go into great detail in such a public place because you never know who's watching so let's just say that it used to be great and now it's not so great. I think a great deal of that is me though since I decide whether or not I'm going to be happy.

I've begun trying to say nice things about people and things. Sincere things that I actually feel. It's not quite a mantra because I don't think repeating something over and over to myself in an effort to rose tint my world is productive or healthy. This is going to be a slow process but I think I can get back to a point where I'm generally happy.

Doing chicks.
It's not what you think. I haven't done much musically in awhile mainly because of my chronic depression. I came up with an idea recently and I've enlisted my brother in California to lend a hand. We're going to cover a few songs by female artists or groups. We've probably bitten off more than we can chew. I'm not the greatest musician in the world so it can be tough for me to adapt a really difficult song to something I can play with limited instruments at hand. I'm hoping my bro can fill in the blanks.