Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Battle Royale: Part Deux

It's time for round two of my Southern California TV commercial all stars fight to the death. Last we left the kings of the LA basin, and let's be honest, the 80's, we had quite the battle going on. The dust has settled and we've got more casualties.

Round 2
Jacoby & Meyers vs Phil & Jims

This is really a two on two situation when you look at it. I don't think we ever saw Jacoby, Meyers, Phil, or Jim but I can only imagine that they were all gigantic and menacing. Just to recap the first round we've got J&M with commercials that play out like a "very special" episode of Family Ties. P&J went the quick and dirty route and stuck to their catchy jingle that features three words (Phil and Jims) over and over again. As much as I hated the former and only slightly hated the latter there is a clear winner.

Jacoby & Meyers were obviously loaded knew that tugging at your heart strings was infinitely better than having a sale.
Earl Scheib vs Larry H. Parker
I've always wondered what would happen if you put these two assholes into a room together. I'm certain that only one of them is walking out alive but he'll be doing so without a finger and/or an ear.

Youth wins this bout. Larry H. Parker will take Scheib to court for the shoddy paint job and then shank him in the parking lot. Don't fuck with Larry.
Federated vs Adee Plumbing
We never knew that they were going out of business. We just realized that there were no more Federated commercials. Adee is still going strong and rightfully so. As long as people poop, we'll have a need for plumbers. It was still a great ride while it lasted. There were two amazing events on TV in the 80's. No, not Geraldo opening Al Capone's vault. I'm talking about The Wonderful World of Disney bringing us "The Journey of Natty Gann" and "Flight of the Navigator" and a new Federated commercial.

Get 'em, Fred.

The final three way battle for TV commercial supremacy.

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Battle Royale

Growing up in the Los Angeles basin was quite an experience for kids in the 80's. Part of what made it weird were all the local commercials. I know everybody has their own local commercials where they grew up but humor me. I think ours were the best.

I always wondered who would win in a battle royale between the personalities. We're going to do it bracket style because everybody loves a Cinderella story.

Round 1
Jacoby & Meyers vs FGS Insurance
The battle of the boring. You knew instantly when one of these two snoozers was on that it was time for a quick wee. Jacoby & Meyers were more famous for the incredibly high production value of their commercials over their professional abilities.

FGS Insurance went in the opposite direction by spending as little money as possible on their spots. They must have sponsored the Dodgers at some point because I swear they always managed to get somebody from the outfield to guest star.

WINNER - Jacoby & Meyers
This was an easy one. When you were too sick to change the channel you could do a lot worse than Jacoby & Meyers. Fuck you, FGS Insurance.


Phil & Jim's vs National Lumber
Snappy jingle versus a cartoon. The funny thing about Phil & Jim's was that they were considered dated back then. I still loved the stupid jingle. Philinjims, philinjims, philinjims...

National Lumber also had a jingle but most people forgot it once that seizure inducing chicken opened its beak. The guy that voiced Cheap Chicken played jazz drums with my grandfather. We were more impressed when he played drums than we were when he did the voice for us.

WINNER - Phil & Jim's
Blame the chicken.


Jack Stephan vs Adee Plumbing
Catch phrases are cool. Apparently both of these companies were owned and operated by the same guys so that would explain why their commercials were so simiarl. I'm not sure if either of these qualifies as an actual catch phrase but I loved quoting both of these constantly. Sadly, I can't find a copy of the original Jack Stephan commercial with the Charles Grodin lookalike but you get the idea with this updated version. The original Jack had a full head of hair. He's dead now but his legacy lives on.

Adee plumbing also featured a character that we can only assume is God talking about plumbing problems and the company that fixes it. What plumber wears a double breasted suit? Adee do! This guy is straight up bad ass.

Winner - Adee Plumbing
Come on. Not only is the guy in the suit better looking, he's also clearly the voice of God. Stick that in your pipe and clog it, Morgan Freeman.


Cal Worthington vs Larry Parker
I know I strayed from the formula but hear me out. Two dynamic personalities going to head to head is what this contest is all about. Cal Worthington is a favorite by a mile but only because Larry Parker is such a dweeb.

Or at least Larry used to be a dweeb. Now he's super rich and will sue the shit out of you if you crash your stupid ass into one his clients. You can't even embed his videos. Fuck this guy, right? No way. Larry Parker has the biggest balls on TV.

Winner - Larry H. Parker
You object? Fuck you. Larry Parker objects. Get over it, pussy.


Federated versus Crazy Gideon
Come on in and spend some cash on overpriced electronics. A trip to Federated was always a good time because they had a Nintendo hooked up. A commercial from Federated was equally awesome thanks to Shadoe Stevens as Fred Rated. The commercials were nuts but that was okay for the former MTV generation.

Come on in and buy some crap. Is loud crazy? I don't know but I'd bet you'd never invite him over for dinner. He's out of business now but so is Federated.

Winner - Federated and Fred Rated
Those things on your arms are goosebumps.


May Company vs Earl Scheib
This is the wild card spot so it's going to be an obvious slobber knocker. The May Company uses their fancy name to promote murder in the name of fashion. What was murdered? Good taste.

Earl comes out swinging by doing the job on the cheap. How does it look when he's done? You guessed it. Cheap.

Winner - Earl Scheib
There's paint on that fur and Earl is holding the bucket.

Stay tuned for round two: Electric boogaloo!