Disney World Trip Report - Day 5

Jill made me get up early today. Grr.

Typical morning at the food court. A bunch of creeps. Plenty of food. Plenty of drink. All of it on the floor. Let's move on and never speak of this place ever again.

It seems like most people consider Animal Kingdom to be a half day park but our half day park would have to be Hollywood Studios. We got over there quick and early this morning so we could grab Fast Passes for the Toy Story ride. I had something to prove but it would have to wait until noonish.

Star Tours was old and crappy last time we were there. That was not the case today. They spruced up the queue with new, old jokes and replaced this:

With this:

They've finally done away with Captain Rex and his perpetual first flight. Did I mention it was in 3D?


After that I really wanted to see Ken Marino and an old lady so we went on Rock N Rollercoaster: Sponsored by Hanes. This is the only Hollywood themed ride that's nothing like Hollywood. Nobody goes that fast on the freeways out there.

Jill is a big fan of roller coasters even though they scare the crap out of her.

We had our fill of Aerosmith but still had some time to kill. There is no better attraction than The Great Movie Ride (most creative name ever) to kill time. The line was very short which made the experience all the better. Magic awaited in the form of an awkward girl with a microphone. There are tour guides that really get into this ride as well as those that phone it in. We got neither. I don't remember her name but I'll venture a guess she doesn't have many friends on account of her complete lack of personality. I knew from the start it was going to be spectacular. People generally hate the gangster option but in my experience it's way more entertaining. The guy doing the gangster bit was equally awesome. His over-zealousness was immediately stymied by the lack of haste the ride vehicles exhibit. Moments later Ms. Enthusiasm returned and the last few shiny faced movie characters pivoted awkwardly as children looked on, confused. Easily the best 20 minutes of the trip.

Jill and I were so impressed with Star Tours we went on it again. It was Wookielicious.

I wanted an ice cream sandwich so we stopped by a stand that was operated by a very nice girl that attended the same college I did. I should have known better than to start talking about Disneyland but thankfully we were saved by another customer craving an ice cream sandwich.

It was still too early to go on Toy Story so we went looking for snacks via New York.

Then San Francisco.

All I wanted was a stinking soft pretzel (which I want right now as well) and nobody in that stinking park was selling them! After traversing the entire park we asked somebody who directed us back to where we started. There was a line there and some lady farted. Jill got a churro and I got my darned pretzel.

Look at the time! It's Toy Story time! The Fast Pass queue wasn't clogged with a Brazillion people (get it?) so we got right on. Or at least we would have had they not decided to move us to another line so they could let the next three cars go empty. Swines. Jill got close to beating my score but thankfully I have much stronger arms than her so I can fire off more shots. It makes for a pretty lousy accuracy score. I'm still proud of myself. Jill got the beaver.


Next up was my favorite attraction, Lights, Motors, Action. We grabbed some pretty swell seats right up front but they were still uncomfortable. Thankfully there wasn't anybody in front of us so I didn't have to maneuver my knees between some girthy individual. Apparently Lighning McQueen is Disney's most beloved car. Suck it, Herbie.


We gradually made our way through the stunt show crowd which took us over to Star Tours for a third spin. We got a combination of our prior two visits but it was still good stuff. That was enough excitement for us. Time to hit up some shops then leave. We picked up a couple of ceramic mugs that don't hold very much liquid but they look pretty neat. They were gigantic with the protective wrapping so we took them back to the hotel to drop them off. I did the locker thing and apparently left my room key/pass/money with the key lady. It's a good thing we went back to the hotel. I hit up the front desk and took care it. With a fresh card in hand we went to the food court. I had the tie dyed cheesecake. I was not a fan.


Thoroughly nourished we got back on a bus and headed to the Magic Kingdom. The first thing on our agenda was to inconvenience a Photopass guy by asking him to take our picture.


Jill photographed the poorly tended to roses while I Tweeted.



We got our Peoplemover on which awesome but I don't need to tell you. There's more to Tomorrowland than just the Peoplemover. They also have the Carousel of Freaking PROGRESS!!!


Jill managed to break the zipper on her shorts (which I promise I will fix before Spring) so we had to find a safety pin. The Emporium obliged with may be the only safety pin at the Magic Kingdom. Modesty restored, we headed off to find some dinner.

We went to Columbia Harbor House. Jill had good food. I had food. That's all I want to say about that. The apple thingy I had for dessert was okay. Since there wasn't anybody around we took turns steering the restaurant. Or at least there weren't people until I took the helm.



I had a hankering for the Haunted Mansion or more importantly the new graveyard. The park was mostly empty so we wandered around and took photos.






Apppropriately haunted we moseyed over to Tent City er I mean Fantasyland to snap some evening photos and Tweet about snapping evening photos. Soon music swelled and this happened for a few minutes.

Everybody there seemed to like them which means they've never seen "Remember... Dreams Come True" at Disneyland. It started raining lightly and people were all like, "Oooo fireworks, AAAAAA RAIN!!!"

After the hooplah was over with we sauntered over to Snow White's Scary Adventure since they're going to doze it to make room for something retail oriented or chair storage or something else. I didn't feel like looking it up. Snow White's Scary Adventure has a whole lot more adventure than the abruptly ending Snow White's etc at Disneyland.

It was still raining so we went to the locker to fetch our raincoats to ensure it would stop raining. Guess what! It stopped raining.

I wanted to go on Pirates etc so that's what we did.




I'm not sure whose idea it was to go on Splash Mountain but it was probably mine. Okay, it was me. We had our raincoats and I'd never been on this one before. We got the coveted front seats (are they coveted?) in a boat with... additional weight. We almost submerged numerous times and got thoroughly doused after the drop. Jill got it worse even though she was sitting right next to me.



People had pretty much cleared out because of the little bit of rain we got. When extra magic hours began we enjoyed some additional magic. There was the usual assortment of riffraff trying to comprehend what extra magic hours were. The poor souls were trying to track down the member of their party with their Motel 6 room key not comprehending that they needed to be a guest at a Disney resort.

As always we headed to the Peoplemover to finish off the night but the bastards closed it. Didn't they know we were coming? I was reasonably mad.

Jill grabbed some stellar castle photos while I got some closeups of the castle.



Still broken hearted about the Peoplemover we decided that we needed some sweets from the candy shop which I ate back at the room.

Even though it was late there was still a mess of people waiting for the bus. We survived another day. Day five. What a day it was. Day six coming up. It's going to be a doozie. You've been warned.

Disney World Trip Report - Day 4

The only thing we really plan is a rest day though it's not what most people would describe as restful. I think I managed to sleep in until 10am. I say managed because, as per usual, somebody sneaked into our room during the night and replaced the comfortable bed I fell asleep on with an uncomfortable bed I couldn't wait to get out of. Swines.

Part of my morning routine on this trip consisted of switching on the Weather Channel to see how nature was going to ruin our day. Our room had a new TV that was much nicer than the TV they had the last time we were there. Sadly, this is still what you see when you turn it on.


We were able to casually get our breakfast this morning which was nice. The usual assortment of undesirables had left earlier that morning to ruin the parks. Evidence of their assault on the food court still remained.

We decided to see how the other half lives so we went to the Magic Kingdom then hopped a boat to Wilderness Lodge. Again, Jill swears the boats are free to float about in the murky water but I still think they're on a magical rail system. We wandered around the pool area and were delighted by how nice everything looked. I like the feeling of not being in Florida. It was magical. The lobby area was very similar to the Grand Californian on the left coast. I'd like to stay there but I also like my money far more than Disney does.

Once our gawking was done we headed to the bus stop and there we waited... and waited. I had this look on my face the entire time.

Finally the Epcot bus arrived and we were magically whisked away or at least we were after stopping at Fort Wilderness. It was a real pant load. Onward driver! Spaceship Earth awaits!

While getting a locker we noticed an actual line for Spaceship Earth. This just wouldn't do so went to get Test Track Fast Passes. My pretzel addiction resulted in one for each of us and a bench in the shade. While gobbling them up we couldn't help but notice a family across from us enjoying some succulent sandwiches and a bottle of water. It wasn't apparent what was between the two slices of bread but I didn't want to ask. They paused for a moment to reflect on how thrifty they are then the father refilled the water bottle so it would be ready for their next feast. One of the kids saw my pretzel and stared longingly as I greedily devoured it.

Somebody must have seen my tears and made everybody leave the line from Spaceship Earth. We walked right on and suddenly all was right in the universe. All the excited made me hungry again so I grabbed a frozen banana and headed to the Electric Umbrella to enjoy it. Perhaps they should have used real umbrellas as Jill was promptly pooped upon by a bird. I made Jill hold my banana (stop snickering) as I cleaned her up as best as I could. Jill didn't want to have to deal with picking out a new shirt so we went back to the hotel so she could get a clean shirt.


We used our Fast Passes for Test Track then slowly made our way to the World Showcase. We're resting today, remember. Jill bought two pretty swell bracelets from this place in Africa. They said all the money goes to the women that make them but I'm sure Mickey still wets his beak. Everybody and their brother was at the park that day being Saturday and all so we stopped in the good old US of A and grabbed a table.


A group of alcoholics grabbed the table next to ours and proceeded to include us in their conversation. That was our cue to head to Japan or maybe it was the drumming. I was a little disappointed in the drummer that day. They've been better and more precise. My delicious banana from earlier had ceased to hold back hunger so we went to Restaurant Marrakesh to see if they could sneak us in a tad early. The crowds were light so it wasn't a problem.

We dropped some serious coin (for us) on a delicious dinner. We ate Moroccan food which is a lot like Mexican food but completely different. We started with beef brewat rolls which are pure rock n roll. I had beef shish kebab and Jill had the lemon chicken because it's either delicious or it's the only menu item she feels comfortable reading aloud. For dessert we have bastilla which is a strange mix of pastry and some weird vanilla sauce and the "Moroccan Symphony" which is assorted baklava. We ate it all.

Morocco was too nice (and quiet) an area to leave so we wandered the shops and took photos. I'm surprised more people aren't back there but I'm also happy because of it. Just as that thought was crossing my mind, the "Epcot Drinking Crew" stumbled into the area and ruined the ambiance with their incoherent yelling.

We hit up some more shops so I could find a sweatshirt. It was a tad chilly for some reason and I wasn't about to go all the way back to the locker. I got a pretty swell one in Germany. It's red. Impressed?

Norway's spirit of Adventure called to us so we hopped in a boat and went back, back over the falls on Maelstrom. What a great ride.

As we meandered back towards the entrance of the park we realized that they were only going to be open a few minutes longer so we hoofed it for another spin on Spaceship Earth. Satisfied with Epcot's offerings for the evening we dragged ourselves back to the bus and headed to the hotel.

Somebody put the comfy bed back in our room while we were out. I fell asleep before I hit the pillow. It was a pretty restful day.

Disney World Trip Report - Day 3

I decided that it wasn't right to keep you guys waiting so here is day number three. Better hit the commode before we start. I'll wait...
...did you wash your hands? *sign* I'll wait...
...did you use soap or just run your hands under the water? Just checking.

Jill and I got up pretty darned early and made it to the food court when everybody else did. It was madness. Jill decided she wanted toast. You'd think this would be dumb to mention but let me give you some background. I'm not complaining at all. I'm aware that Jill is capable of doing things for herself but strangely I don't mind doing things for her. Maybe I should give you some additional background. I go off on tangents from time to time. Deal with it.

I have problems with many if not most social situations. I love gatherings but I hate people. I've been described as a germaphobe but believe it or not I'm actually not afraid of germs even though I try to avoid touching as many things as possible. I regard the world as being covered in filth that has been placed there by other people. I know it's completely irrational but I just can't help it. What does this have to do with Jill and the food court? I'm getting there.

I consider it strangely therapeutic to run small errands for Jill at the food court even though I'd rather just sit at the table and prepare my breakfast. Anyhoo, Jill wanted some toast but they only hand out bread. It must be manually toasted using one of four toasters. Four toasters with four slots each. Consider the capacity of 640 guests in the food court that's a pretty sour ratio. That's 40 guests per slot or more realistically, 80 guests per bank since it's two slots per switch. I suffer the indignity of toasting my wife's bread for the sake of increasing my tolerance of the unwashed masses. That being said, this would be the last time I would be toasting her bread. All future trips will be restricted to utensils, napkins, and pepper.

We made it to the Magic Kingdom by 10am which is pretty stellar. We didn't really have a plan for today. Epcot was going to be open late so it would be our ultimate destination.

We like to open strong so we immediately hit up the Peoplemover since our previous encounter on Tomorrowland's most meaningless form of conveyance found us stranded in the dark for a horrific 20 minutes. This time went off without a hitch. The next logical ride for the seasoned Disney World vet would Space Mountain but that ride sucks. The Haunted Mansion promised plenty of laughs without the lower back pain.
Rarely imitated. Rarely duplicated.


We didn't want to spend too much time pondering which ride to go on so we just hopped on the nearest one. It's A Small World is an odd duck in Florida. I'm not keen on it being indoors and I can't understand why they did it that way. They're not exactly short on space. That being said it's very tidy.


We took a short stroll over to Adventureland where the Swiss Family Tree House remains in its glory. If you're bi-coastal you've no doubt seen what they've done to it in Anaheim.
Very quaint. Sadly, the Swiss Family latrine isn't as pleasant.


Without Big Thunder Mountain running we only have one ride worth Fast Passing. That was our next stop. Peter Pan is another one of those familiar yet different attractions. Disneyland vets will immediately recognize the long line but once inside will be surprised by the incredibly long loading area.

The ride itself is similar and a bit longer but again Disneyland wins with details. It's still one of my favorites regardless of which park I'm in.

We're burning through attractions today so there's time for a funnel cake. I got cinnamon and Jill went old school with plain old powdered sugar. Try to remain calm. We have a long way to go. After making a sugary mess of a table while gawking at a guy inhaling a sandwich and two girls in the neighborhood of ten years old stuffing into a double stroller.

We decided that we'd seen enough and meandered down Main Street before the train caught our attention. We did a grand circle tour which was very exciting. The guys working on Big Thunder waved at us. I was delighted.

I traded in our locker key for a stack of receipts and a fiver. We then wandered about trying to find out how to do the Monorail which was a little wonky that day. Jill figured it out and we were off to Epcot where a fresh locker awaited. I added two more receipts to my stack and gave back the five bucks.

Spaceship Earth is conveniently located so we went on it. Test Track is also fairly convenient but it had a bit of a line so Fast Passes were obtained. I had never been on Living With The Land so it was a logical choice. The ride was informative but the entertainment came from the group of foreigners in front of us with what was quite possibly the most obnoxious child I've ever seen. Every time somebody made an announcement over the loudspeaker to stop doing something or each time a "DO NOT" sign was passed he seemed to immediately do the contrary. He'll make his parents proud some day and by proud I mean he'll end up in prison.

Nemo was the next on our agenda or at least it would have been if we had one. Since I'm making comparisons with Disneyland here's another. I like this one because I don't have to share a bench in a submarine with a kid covered in Cheeto dust.

Grumbling tummies told us that Shawarma Platters would be good. Jill discovered that she's not over the moon for hummus but falafel is awesome. I had chicken and lamb.
America... #%@$ YEAH!


Appropriately stuffed we hit up the shops. Maelstrom's 20 minute wait was too shocking so we continued to check out the shops. This park is flipping huge.

It was Test Track time. For the first time in a long time we got a car that wasn't yellow. I have an aversion to yellow cars as they're usually driven by douche bags. This ride desperately needs a little re-theming or at least a tune up. I still love it.

Spaceship Earth was too close not to skip so back through time we went. Judy Dench sounds less and less warm every time we go on it. Jill and I have decided that we're going to find hidden Mickeys. We found a few but I swear there are more.


We went in more shops because they're air conditioned but sadly there is a long stretch in the wretched sun that has to be endured to get back to the World Showcase. I'm fond of the Boat Ride in Mexico. To be perfectly honest I don't know what it's actually called. All I really know is that the boats aren't big enough for me and I'm not that big. I don't let it ruin the ride for me. It's dumb and I love it.
It's very Blue Bayou in here.


We worked our way back around the world showcase looking through all the same shops again and snapping evening photos. This is one of them.


They started making announcements for Illuminations while we were at the halfway point. I really wanted fish and chips so we booked it. They were delicious. We enjoyed our table outside Rose and Crown in Wee Britain as we call it until the crowds cleared out. If you don't know what Wee Britain is you're missing out on one heck of an inside joke.


We went back to Morocco because let's face it, who wants to smell France? Jill had her obligatory Mint Tea but I changed it up with some boozy coffee. I should have had tea.

Since there weren't many people left except the drunkards staggering about we shopped our way back to Norway and took a spin on Maelstrom which left us feeling warm and fuzzy. Our feet told us we were done so we began the long walk back to the bus.

WHAT'S THIS? Spaceship Earth is still running? You better believe we're going on it again. Yes, this would be the third time today.
How you doin?


I emptied the locker and snapped a photo of the trash that spent the day near our locker. I don't know what's worse. The fact that not a single cast member checked the area or that there was a trash can mere feet away left me feeling a bit discouraged. Future world indeed!


We rode the bus back to Pop because that's how we get there. Guess who fell asleep without any trouble at all. Yup.

COMING SOON! DAY 4! LAZINESS! MONORAIL! POOP! SPACESHIP EARTH! MOROCCO!

Disney World Trip Report - Day 2

Welcome back. Did you miss me as much as I missed you? I appreciate you taking the time to answer that.

It's a funny thing about our bed. In the evening it's the most comfortable bed in the world. The next morning it feels like a 30 year old futon someone found in an alley and filled with rocks. I made myself pretty and we were on our way to the circus known as the Pop Century food court. The usual assortment of mouth breathers were in the process of destroying the drink stations and moving the food from their trays to the floor.

This would scare normal people which is why it scares us. Jill gets her tea and I get what they call coffee before finding a table that some kid hasn't painted with syrup. We find a winner which means I can go get my food. Making my decision isn't very hard. I simply find the shortest line and order whatever appears edible. For some reason I decided I wanted fruit also so shoved my way to the refrigerated foods area that was clearly designed by an idiot. Jill then got her food but I didn't see it. It takes me awhile to prepare my dining area.

Once appropriately fed we hit the bus stop and headed off to Animal Kingdom. There was a girl sitting across from me with a gigantic booger in her nose. She was at least ten. I know all of the parks have intro music but for some reason this is the only one that gets my attention.


We got there pretty early for us. After grabbing a locker with the help of the least enthusiastic cast member I've ever encountered we made our way to Expedition Everest to grab a fast pass. I got them while Jill used the facilities. This is how we usually do it but this one is worth mentioning because she walked right past me after using said facilities.

I had time to get out my phone and snap this.

Most people would head to Dinosaur but since we go during the off season we were able to pretty much walk onto Expedition Everest. We wait for the front because that's what we do. The yeti was still broken unless you don't know any better then it did exactly what it's supposed to do.

Dinosaur was next. I'm not a huge fan of dinosaurs or Phylicia Rashad. What a bitch. The best part of the ride is easily the photo area since there are usually one or two kids soiling themselves at the sight of the carnotaurus.

After that I grabbed a Fast Pass for Dinosaur which isn't a very creative Disney name if you ask me. I know it's from a movie of the same name but I think they could have come up with something cool like "Dinosaur Adventure" or better still "Crazy Scary Dinosaurs In The Dark."

Primeval Whirl is next. I'm not the biggest fan of spinning rides but it was pretty fun this time thanks to Bonine and the two very small girls riding with Jill and I. I'm sure I weigh about as much as the two of them combined. We did us some spinning.

We hit up Expedition Everest again. Yup. That's what we did.

We walked about for awhile and grabbed some soft pretzels to hold us over until lunch later. We didn't have reservations. We just prefer to eat when nobody else is eating so we can find a table easily. Damn. I want a soft pretzel now.

The worst part of Animal Kingdom is the horrible line for Kilimanjaro Safari. The only thing worse than the line are the tour guides. This was a day of surprises.

Yeah, no line at all. We walked right on and had an entire row to ourselves. Our guide was equally awesome. He had a radio voice which was stellar though he may have been a bit sick as he had to clear his throat often. You could tell he was very into the animals which were also out in full force. He quickly got the through the poacher bit or at least it seemed that way since we stopped often to look at an unusual concentration of animals. He did the baby elephant spiel but threw it away for the most part which I appreciated. What a great day.









We did the safari trail afterward. There was a weird lady trying to get us to go back the way we came to look at a "baby" gorilla. I didn't have the heart to tell her that we have an awesome zoo in Omaha which recently had a substantially younger, baby gorilla and that theirs are kind of boring.

Lunch at Yak & Yeti both of which were not on the menu. I had Beef Lo Mein which was decent and filling. Jill had chicken and vegetables soaked in honey. The dining plan got us dessert so I decided to try the banana pudding. It was a little too sweet but the Nilla Wafer they stuck in it was pretty good.

We used our Dinosaur Fast Pass next. The carnotaurus didn't disappoint and did a good job of scaring pretty much everybody in our jeep thingy.


That just about did it for Animal Kingdom. We hit up the shops then headed out. The Magic Kingdom was next on our agenda. You can't take the bus directly to the Magic Kingdom so we skipped the express Monorail from the transportation hub and took the boat. They claim that the boats are not on rails but I think they are. Not sure if I'll do it again. I'm torn between my desire to get to the park quickly along and my desire not to crowd onto the Monorail.

I have a love/hate relationship with The Magic Kingdom. It's bigger than Disneyland but has less attractions. I like the different take on my favorite park but it's just not as good as its counterpart in Anaheim. We started out at the Haunted Mansion and spent some time in the new graveyard queue. I enjoyed it but didn't want to touch very much of it. The hitchhiking ghosts were also way more entertaining.

Check out the name on the organ. That's pretty swell.

Pirates was up next since Big Thunder Mountain was closed so they could make it more awesome for our next trip. I'm very fond of the salty old pirates but I can't help comparing it to Disneyland's which is a little bigger with better working animatronics. I still enjoyed it.
I have a thing for redheads.

Mine's better.

Keeping with the no line motif we took a Jungle Cruise. Our skipper was pretty awesome which is awesome because they're usually not very awesome. I like the blanks they fire at Disneyland over the recorded gunshots in Florida but the last dozen skippers we've had in Anaheim have been fairly awful and not in an entertaining way either.

We were done with that kind of fun so we headed over to Tomorrowland for a spin on the Peoplemover. Yes. The Peoplemover. Yay. This is one of my top five. The line was a little long but just because of the lazy bums allowing themselves to be moved by the conveyor belt. You're allowed to walk!!! It wasn't that long but I was still annoyed. Things were going well and just as we were being treated to the sights and sounds of Space Mountain the Peoplemover became the Peopleholder.

We sat in the dark for what felt like days. They finally took pity on us and turned on the lights. I think it made things worse.

After several Tweets were on our way again.

That was it for us so we headed back to the dreaded bus. There's always about three buses worth of lines plus our loading area is the farthest one. I think we got seats which was nice. If I recall correctly this was our first trip with the world's worst bus driver. He's very slow in every aspect.

We grabbed dinner back at Pop then got hot chocolates and headed back to our room. It was like pudding so I tried dumping little bits and adding hot water. I eventually gave up and went to bed.

That's it for day two. I know you're excited about day three but you're going to have to wait until Jill does her day three since I can never remember the order in which we do things and I don't feel like looking at her notes.

So you won't miss me too much here is something to hold you over.

I think he's winking at me.