Friday, April 30, 2010

F-Off Friday

Not a week goes by where I don't look at the world and think "What the hell is wrong with people?" Here is who has annoyed me this week.

1. People who call grills barbecues - It's a grill. Barbecue is either the act of seasoning/flavoring meat then cooking it over an open fire or simply the food itself. It is not a grill. Making hot dogs and hamburgers on a grill is not barbecuing. This guy on TV the other night kept talking about where he was going to put his barbecue and I just about punched out the TV. I'm not a violent person but this really burns (barbecues?) my ass.

2. Robots or lack thereof - There was a time when robots were promised to be the saviors of the near future. They'd farm the fields and clean the kitchen. The concept was a big deal at the beginning of the atomic age. Thanks to communism and an increasingly stupid work force, those promises of robotic servants doing all of those basic tasks so we can pursue things of a more scholarly nature have been quelled to ensure Jasper can have a job cleaning toilets and mopping floors in between Klan rallies. Those of us that did consider ourselves with regards to education and obtaining skills to succeed on a grander level have the Roomba to sweep the floor. I'm so disappointed in humanity.

3. New Jersey - Speaking of disappointments, let's talk about New Jersey. I could do an entire blog on this state but I'll just touch on a few key points so you can go out and enjoy your Friday night. It's hard to pick a starting point because just thinking about these people get me steamed. Metro-sexuality is still going strong in the Garden State. If you thought the ladies were made up like clowns a simple look at the fellas requires a triple take. Not that the ladies don't try to outdo them. There's something about a deep tan combined with bronzer that makes white eye shadow and fake lashes look all the more clownish. Thin eyebrows and equally groomed pseudo beards leave the rest of us wondering who thinks this looks good. This is also one of those states we can look to as blame for not having servant robots. To create more jobs for the morons that populate "Smellyville" they don't allow you to pump your own gas even though pretty much everybody else in this country can manage to do it themselves.

4. Optimists and Pessimists - The glass is half full. The glass is half empty. Did you really need to grab such a big glass? Maybe you should just put some ice in that glass. Optimists like making lemonade when life gives them lemons. Pessimists worry that nobody is going to buy half empty glasses of lemonade. People should just let the universe do what it's going to do and enjoy what they're doing. I have bad luck but rather than worry about it or look on the bright side I simply experience my fortune (both good and bad) with a slight chuckle. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow isn't here yet. Live in the now.

5. People that don't watch TV - You know the type. Every once and awhile we encounter intellectual types who spew forth statements like "I don't own a TV" or "I don't watch TV." It's not because they don't like TV or can't afford one. They simply get off on leading people to believe that they're so intellectual that books and wine are enough to entertain them. Bullshit! They watch American Idol and Survivor just like the rest of us. The only difference is that the rest of us can do so without being ashamed. Since when do only stupid people like entertainment. TV rocks.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

A different observation

My last blog entry was a little wordy and very boring. I have another observation about a completely different topic. I think this one is far more amusing that the health care debate. Let's talk about guys who tell other guys to suck their dick as a means to insult them.

Since when is it okay for a dude to ask another dude for sucky sucky? Even in the context of emasculating somebody you're still making a request of a man that a straight man never would.

The fact that men state it so plainly has me wondering about men that say this to other men. I've never said such a thing to another man because I immediately think, "Why am I about to ask this man to fellate me? Is that what I really want him to do?"

I think it was originally a statement for the other party to perform oral sex on another man in a private setting where the gentleman making the request doesn't have to see it occurring. It has become a request to not only be present for the oral stimulation but to be the receiving party as well. This likely took place in either a prison or at a frat party both of which usually see their fair share of homoerotic activity.

Photobucket pretty much the same thing as this.

I know that a great deal of men lack the ability to hold their beverage or are simply angered to the point of seeking out men they assume/hope are gay for the purpose of pointing out that they know they are gay and that they have a vested interest in kicking their posterior. We can only assume that by "kicking" they actually mean "make sweet love to."

I'd honestly never get all up in some dude's grill because I might be welcoming a kiss from a sexually confused meat head all hopped on steroids. I'd probably just yell at them rather than hint at what could be construed as having feelings for them. I don't want to send the wrong message. I'm happily married and I'd hate to lead them on.

This is a perfectly acceptable form of intimidation.

For all you dudes out there, think long and hard (but not about dicks unless that's your thing) before telling another guy to suck your dick. You may be indirectly telling him you think he's gay but you're also indirectly telling him that YOU'RE gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

The public option - Topics ignored

I'm against the public option for health care. It's not because I hate poor people or the unemployed. I generally love them and wish them well. They're on my Christmas card list. Not really but if they don't want to work who am I to force them? I'd rather not see my tax dollars go to pay for the undereducated or just plain lazy to have health care. I'd rather see said dollars pay for police officers, firemen and our infrastructure.

I pay for my own health insurance straight out of my paycheck. I pursued a job that offered health care. If anything I think the job market would benefit from employers competing for employees. Competition is always good for everybody. It keeps most businesses from getting lazy. That won't be the case as long as there is a need for minimum wage employees to do jobs that don't require a whole lot of thought.

That's a pretty boring discussion though. Let's talk about some lesser ignored topics that are amusing or at least to me they are.

Helmets, elbow/knee pads, and seat belts don't really show up on the national health care debates but they should. Why you ask? Let me equivocate.

Think of our government as an overprotective mother that wants nothing more than to protect its dependents. Yeah, moms hate to see their children hurt but what they really hate is having to pay to fix the occasional boo boo. Under most circumstances a kiss on the forehead or a popsicle will do the trick but occasionally the little buggers are going to need stitches, a cast, or major reconstructive surgery. Our parents dread the thought of paying for such things and so does Uncle Sam. To keep from having to shell out the cash to take care of such things those overprotective moms put helmets, elbow/knee pads, and seat belts on us. to keep from having to do that. Our government does a couple of those things too.

You must wear a seat belt (with the exception of truck drivers in New Hampshire) when you operate a motor vehicle otherwise you have to pay a fine. Most states require helmets when riding a motorcycle though they usually allow very small ones about the size of a yarmulke that offer little to no protection. Talking and texting in cars is slowly becoming illegal everywhere as well though that is to protect other motorists as well as offenders in the same way drunk driving laws work.

Once the first wave of health care bills are tallied up our fearless (hapless?) leaders will realize that we get hurt a lot and they'll be faced with a difficult choice. Either tax the shit out of us to cover it or force citizens to be a whole lot safer by introducing more laws to nanny us.

Helmets - No more beanie caps. If you ride a motorcycle, moped, or scooter expect a federal law to require a full safety helmet no exceptions.

Seat belts - You better believe there will be stiffer fines for not wearing one.

Talking/Texting while driving - Illegal everywhere. Hands free will be the way to be. This is a good idea actually.

Protective gear - If you ride a motorcycle you won't be able to go for a ride wearing shorts and a t-shirt. Along with that full helmet you'll be forced to wear pretty much what the guys who race motorcycles wear. Have fun on that summer ride as you bake in leather or kevlar.

Hot water - There could be limits on how hot your water heater can be. We can't have you accidentally scalding yourself now can we. Boiling water for cooking may also be reviewed for safety.

Many outdoor activities like rock-climbing, hang gliding and other potentially dangerous activities may also be rendered illegal.

Pretty much anything that could seriously injure you could potentially require either a license or will just be outlawed. It seems drastic now but just you wait.

Have you heard anybody mention food? Fatties are a problem in this country. Anybody who has seen Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution know what they're feeding kids in schools and how bad it is for them. So long processed foods. All foods will have to be healthy to keep health care costs for fatties down. They can't force you to exercise but the FDA can certainly pick and choose what is available at the grocery store and in restaurants/cafeterias.

I may just be talking out my ass but I think I make a valid point. It's this kind of paranoid government protection that we're facing. Take a look at nanny states like the UK and tell me that can't happen here.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Five albums you don't own

When I'm rocking out and other people are around they usually get annoyed because I'm not listening to songs they know. I love popular music too but there's something fun about taking the road less traveled. Here are some great albums that I own that most people don't.

David Bowie - Diamond Dogs
It's easy to pick an album like "Let's Dance" or "...Ziggy..." to get your Bowie fix but I find myself returning to this lesser known album. It follows a narrative like many of his albums do but this one hints at Orwell's "1984." If you like to sing along to albums and you have a strong voice this is the one for you.

The Pixies - Doolittle
This one hit most markets with a pretty good reception but most everybody forgets about it. Most people go want to hear "Where Is My Mind" because it was awesome in "Fight Club." Anybody who owns this album won't find that but they will find pleasant ditties like "Here Comes Your Man" and "Debaser." Most of the tracks are less than three minutes long and that's plenty.

Sloan - Between The Bridges
Everybody likes "Navy Blues" mostly because it's poppy and full of hooks. The general consensus is that "Navy Blues" is their best album but that's because they play "She Says What She Means" and "Money City Maniacs" on repeat. Again great songs but as a whole BTB is a much more complete album and shows a lot of effort on the guy's parts and that's not easy considering they all pretty much do their own piece then head home. There's a real sense of collaboration on this one which is why it's my preferred Sloan album.

Magazine - Real Life
Most people who are familiar with punk rock have heard of the Buzzcocks but few know about Magazine. They're little closer in sound to groups like Joy Division rather than The Sex Pistols but they have plenty of edge. They only lasted from '77 to '81 so a lot of people didn't have a chance to jump on the bandwagon. Their debut album should be in everybody's library unless they like crap.

Sebadoh - The Sebadoh
Folk Implosion, Dinosaur Jr. and freaking Sebadoh. This is my favorite Sebadoh album. I don't have a lot to say about it. It's neat and most people don't own it even though they should.

Friday, April 23, 2010

That really burns my ass.

It's Friday again so you get another installment of me ranting about things that burn my ass.

1. Fat chicks in track suits
It's no mystery that there is nothing sexy about a track suit no matter how many ladies think they are. They're glorified sweats and we all know how I feel about those. The only thing worse than a skinny broad strutting about covered in neck to ankle velour is a fatty trying to work the same look. Those sporty pin strips down the sides make you look like a race car. At least in sweats I can ignore the fact that all you wear is stretchy fabric. The track suit simply showcases the fact that you haven't been to the track lately.

2. Drinking holidays
I love beer. I love drinking beer. What I don't understand is the delight people get out of being shitfaced. A few times a year the town drunk has a few extra companions. You know who I'm talking about. They gear up for a night of swilling like others prepare for a job interview. Be it St. Patty's, Oktoberfest, or Cingo De Mayo (brought to you by Corona) those of us who still think we're college freshmen go out and drink until we can't sing the "Drunk Carols" anymore. Maybe I'm just a stick in the mud who doesn't know how to have a good time or maybe you're just a stupid drunk that likes drinking. It's a lot like girls that can't wait until Halloween so they can dress like a slut. Plenty of people dress like a slut every day just like plenty of people get drunk every day. A holiday doesn't make it okay. You're an embarrassment to yourself and your family.

3. Glitter
Glitter is the herpes of arts and crafts. Once you come into contact with it you've pretty much got it for the rest of your life. It will show up from time to time to embarrass you in front of your friends. "Hey Graham. You have some glitter on your cheek. There's also some on your shirt. When are the Ice Capades?" A family member that clearly hates me sent me a greeting card with glitter all over it and now I have glitter all over me. They could have easily spit into an envelope and sent that to me. I'll be just as annoyed and they'll have saved a few bucks in the process.

4. White supremacists
Whether they're burning crosses in the south or banging chicks behind Sandra Bullock's back I hate white supremacists. Is this the farthest we've come as a nation? It's like saving the green M&M's because you've been conditioned to put them on a pedestal. They're just like the other colors. Who are the role models for these people? Inbred, pig farmers, with a third grade education. Maybe you should set your sights a little higher. I know those kind of aspirations are easy to achieve but with a little work (extra emphasis on little) you might be able to afford a house without a hitch and axles some day. Think about it.

5. Sex tape celebrities
How is it that we as a society have come to exalt people who have taped themselves screwing or getting screwed. Before they were just dumb rich people being dumb and rich in various clubs without anybody giving a shit. A few of them show up in videos taking a pop shot and suddenly they're role models??? How the fuck does Kim Kardashian end up at the Teen Choice awards. I'll tell you how. She and her big fat ass got banged by a football player. Let's make her president.

I still feel a little cranky. I'm going to go outside and spit.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Blowing off more steam.

It's Friday again so I'm about to unload. This has been a pretty swell week but I can always complain so here goes.

1. Pee spots on my lawn
Don't get me wrong. I love my dog almost as much as I love my wife but she pisses me off. I've made peace with the fact that she requires my backyard to make. I diligently pick up her deuces because nothing says lazy slob like a backyard covered in dog shit.

My real gripe is that my dog pees like a troubled artist paints. She can't just walk out to a predetermined area. That would require rational though which her brain just can't handle. She has to walk around for at least ten minutes until she can find an area suitable for her bodily fluids. From time to time she'll pick a dedicated area just to fuck with me I'm sure. Those spots eventually turn yellow and nothing will grow there without me forcing nature to occur. Once this damage is done do you think she'll pee in those spots? HELL NO! They're either not good enough or she wants to start a new spot.

I'll continue to love my dog but I wish she didn't have to pee.

2. Foreigners, strange parents, and names
I'm one of few Republicans that appreciate immigrants both legal and not in this country. Not only do they work hard to set an example (which is ignored) but those that come over with names that are hard to either pronounce or spell usually change their name to something more conventional. They do this to make all of the day to day doings as easy as possible for those they must do those things with. God bless these thoughtful people.

To counteract that we have these generation X/Y parents throwing out a hail Mary when picking baby names. Names like John, Michael, and Robert just aren't good enough for their crotch fruit. They have to scour the alphabet for additional vowels or consonants. Robert becomes Rhaburt. Johnathan becomes Jaanothen. Micheal becomes Cash. You get the picture. They pretty much do whatever possible to ensure schools, the government, and their employers will have so much trouble trying to get their names right that they invariably have to change them to the conventional spelling.

What does it matter how they spell their names? It's not like they'll have it embroidered on everything they wear. People are going to call them Mike, John, and Bob which is what their name is and also how it is spelled in their phone book.

3. White trash parents and their children.
Why is it that a great deal of these bottom feeders will happily throw down with their significant others on a regular basis but they'd never think of disciplining their children. Some kids need a good whuppin' every now and then to keep them in line even if it's a figurative whuppin' like a time out and not necessarily a sore bottom.

If I can train a dog they can train a kid.

4. Stupid Americans
Arguably the United States has slowed down with respect to the advancement of human kind. Some blame all the red tape but I blame stupid Americans. There was a time when even the dumbest President we've ever had still had the stones and know how to put a man on the moon. Ponder that for a second. A man on the freaking moon. We had never done that and Kennedy wasn't about to let the Russkies get another Sputnik past us. We did it using slide rules and a shit load of machismo.

These days the kids would rather create/play video games or program apps for the iPhone or simply become famous. Those are just the ambitious kids. The rest of them are just sitting around waiting for their 21's birthday so they can buy their own beer and get drunk.

5. PBR
I know I've talked about Pabst Blue Ribbon before but in the spirit of complaining I figured I'd mention this just one more time.

It's cheap beer plain and simple. I know it's recently become the preferred drink of impoverished and wealthy hipsters (who can really tell?) who prefer to drink the best tasting of the worst tasting beers. It's basically a way of saying, "I can't afford something that tastes good but it's so important for me to be drunk that I've developed a taste for this swill. Pass me another 12'er. I'm not buzzed yet. "

PBR = The cooking sherry of beers.

See you next week.

Friday, April 9, 2010

A Time To Vent

I don't vent very often and I really should. The problem is I don't have an audience to tear into and I'm not about to unload my various grievances onto my lovely wife. Feel free to read and comment as you see fit.

1. Public Restrooms
I don't frequently use public restrooms. I have a pretty massive bladder capacity and I tend to do my business prior to leaving the house so I don't have to use public facilities. Why you ask? The incredible amount of filth. I'm sure the ladies room isn't much better but I think our bathrooms are the worst.

Who are these disgusting people that use public restrooms like Japanese business men use prostitutes? This goes beyond claiming a space as your own. It's not like the people who "move in" when they get to their seat on a plane. Even though they certainly leave their mark it's not like they plan on returning to claim said area.

I'm sure they can manage using their own bathroom without making it a work of modern art so why is it as soon as they reach an area that somebody else cleans they revert to the level of primates and go where they please. It's disgusting. Oh yeah. Wash your damn hands!

2. Guy who let his dog shit in the street.
Just because you let your dog shit in the street instead of on somebody's lawn or on the sidewalk doesn't let you off the hook for cleaning it up. You're a pig and your dog is ashamed of you.

3. DJ's on the Radio or lack thereof.
I'm not old but I can still remember a time where DJ's were necessary for good radio. They were required to not only know how to work a sound board but to also *gasp* put together a play list and let us know what we're listening to and why it's significant enough to play in the first place. This was before quotas to play a certain song a certain amount of times each day existed. Radio used to kick ass.

Some stations still employ somebody to take us through the song list even though said list is meticulously controlled by an unseen corporate entity. Rarely do they actually know about the music that they're about to play or just played. I understand there's not much you can say about Miley Cyrus' "Party in the USA" but there are occasionally songs that have substance that get played and many of us would like to know a little about the song or artist involved. Instead we get the time of day and a half assed weather or traffic report. First of all we already know what time it is because our car has a clock otherwise our cell phone does. Secondly, if we're sitting in traffic we're well aware that we're sitting in traffic and for those of us that sit in said traffic every day don't really need to be told why. We already know it's due to poor civil engineering and/or some jackhole that rear ended another jackhole while text messaging to his/her significant other that they're stuck in traffic.

If you're a DJ and have to use time fillers then basically you're only good for taking calls and responding for the most part. That pretty much only qualifies you for the fast food industry although you do need to know how to make change so I guess your options are limited. Enjoy employment while it lasts. Most stations now consist of a computer that plays the chosen singles and commercials without your interference. It will be doing your job soon.

4. The giant insect that flew in while the door was open.
Were you waiting for me to open the door? I think you were. The first thing you'll do is orbit one of the lights in my kitchen like Skylab before following more of a comet trajectory that takes you past my TV every fifteen seconds which forces me to get up and swat at you. I won't hit you and you'll disappear until I get to my bedroom which is where you've apparently been hiding all night. I'll hit you with my slipper and you vanish again. Next stop, my outer ear at 6:45am. So much for sleeping in. You'll likely die of natural causes since there is no way I'll ever be able to kill you. You're as cunning as a mongoose and as smart as a slice of buttered bread.

5. Car slobs.
It's no mystery that I like a nice clean car. It tortures me that my wagon is all dirty in the garage right now. At least it's not full of garbage. My wife may have an impressive Kleenex collection in her car but at least I know I'm not going to find a chicken leg bone sitting on a floor mat. I try to clean it out periodically. Once I have a good weekend both cars will get their bi-annual detailing.

To some it's just a car. A means of getting from here to there. To others it's a landfill. Give them the keys and they'll turn a cup holder into a ketchup tray for their fries. There is no excuse. You're a slob plain and simple.

6. One month anniversaries
What the fuck is this. It takes a year to have an anniversary. Annual!!! You can celebrate one month of not breaking up or a week of exclusive screwing all you want. Just don't call it an anniversary because it's not.

7. LOL
This means laughing out loud or at least that's what it used to mean. Somewhere along the way LOL replaced the period. I've never used it because I rarely laugh out loud when doing anything online with the exception of looking at pictures of cats with poorly spelled captions.

In the proper context it would be an appropriate response to something genuinely funny or even at the tail end of a statement that you consider hilarious. Instead it's used to complete most coherent or incoherent thought. Here are some examples.

Correct = Bla bla bla bla bla... The Aristocrats! LOL
Incorrect = I'm going to the store later LOL

It's not rocket science. The top statement is easily funny and therefore an individual may actually be laughing or at least wish they could if they still felt emotions. The second statement isn't even funny to the person who made the statement. LOL is just this knee-jerk statement that is the internet equivalent to a ham radio operator saying, "Over." Knock it off or I'll knock it off for you.

8. We met online
No you didn't. If you haven't made eye contact you haven't met yet. You're still acquaintances as far the universe goes. You're actually more acquainted with the Moon since you've actually laid eyes on it. It's like me saying I've been to Australia based upon what I've read about it and pictures I've seen though I've never actually been there. If you can't say for certain what they look like in person you haven't met. Yet another case where the internet has muddied our vocabulary.

This concludes my rant. It feels good to get these things off my chest. They're not the only things that burn my ass but it's a good start. I feel pretty good now. Thanks for reading. Remember to wash your hands.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

WDW Trip Report - Day 6

Monday - Part 1 - Hurm...

I woke up this morning not feeling as well as I had been feeling this whole trip. I loaded up on the galaxy of drugs Jill brought along and we headed out for breakfast then the Magic Kingdom. If I ignore it, it will go away.

Buzz Lightyear was a delightfully humid ride which made the lazers easy to spot. I got an awesome score and gawked at everybody else's small scores. Kids suck at Buzz Lightyear. No trip to Tomorrow Land is complete without a trip on the People Mover. We moseyed around for a bit afterward and snapped some photos in Toon Town. I don't feel any better.

We hopped on the train and rode it around to Frontier Land. We weren't about to do another trip without visiting Tom Sawyer Island. We took a crowded boat over and snapped a butt load of photos. I was delighted (yes delighted) that their Fort Wilderness is actually open. The Disneyland Fort Wilderness first saw the removal of the rifles then they just closed it down completely. Bitches. More good times on Big Thunder Mountain then it was time for lunch.

We spotted people eating with a nice view of Small World the other day so we went to the Village Haus and nabbed a table right by the glass. I waved at everybody. It was a nice lunch. We heard a familiar sound but not what we'd expect to hear at a Disney restaurant. The SHHHHHK! of a two liter bottle got me looking around. I saw a lady pulling a couple of them out of a backpack. The cheapness of it all.

We walked back to the Frontier Land train station and took it to Tomorrow Land since we didn't feel like taking a short walk from the Village Haus to the People Mover. We're dumb like that sometimes. The awesomeness of the People Mover made up for it. We grabbed another Dole Whip and pondered the rest of our day. We realized that we hadn't done the Haunted Mansion yet. It beckoned that we hurry back. I think little Leota is jealous of the People Mover.

We emptied our locker and headed to the Monorail so we could finish our day at Epcot. I'm feeling pretty lousy right now. I was doing great all day. Either the drugs were wearing off or I was about to succumb to illness. I blame the scurvy people on Midway Mania the day before.

We started with Spaceship Earth which we love just as much as the People Mover. Jill and I love our slow moving rides. Innoventions was next on the list since we really wanted to do THE SUM OF ALL THRILLS. I have to write in all caps. At this point I was really focusing on pretending I felt fine. Jill didn't want our fake roller coaster to be too exciting so we kept the speed and the hills to a minimum. My impending sickness was immediately forgotten after the ride attendant closed the lid on my manly bits. You heard me right. The next element of surprise was what happens when you have a looping roller coaster going as slow as possible. Physics ensured that we went through the loops very slowly. Next time we're going to make it thrilling. I'm talking super thrilling.

I was starting to slow down at this point. We visited the shops in the world showcase again and settled down in Morocco for Tea and Baklava. Both were very good and I forgot about how sick I was. This was easily one of our nicest evenings. We like Morocco.

After that I was starting to run out of juice so Jill was nice enough to let us go back to the room. I loaded up on drugs again and fell asleep. In hindsight I should have just endured for the rest of the night but I had no idea I would feel the way I did the next morning.

Stay tuned for the thrilling conclusion to my trip report.