Friday, April 23, 2010

That really burns my ass.

It's Friday again so you get another installment of me ranting about things that burn my ass.

1. Fat chicks in track suits
It's no mystery that there is nothing sexy about a track suit no matter how many ladies think they are. They're glorified sweats and we all know how I feel about those. The only thing worse than a skinny broad strutting about covered in neck to ankle velour is a fatty trying to work the same look. Those sporty pin strips down the sides make you look like a race car. At least in sweats I can ignore the fact that all you wear is stretchy fabric. The track suit simply showcases the fact that you haven't been to the track lately.

2. Drinking holidays
I love beer. I love drinking beer. What I don't understand is the delight people get out of being shitfaced. A few times a year the town drunk has a few extra companions. You know who I'm talking about. They gear up for a night of swilling like others prepare for a job interview. Be it St. Patty's, Oktoberfest, or Cingo De Mayo (brought to you by Corona) those of us who still think we're college freshmen go out and drink until we can't sing the "Drunk Carols" anymore. Maybe I'm just a stick in the mud who doesn't know how to have a good time or maybe you're just a stupid drunk that likes drinking. It's a lot like girls that can't wait until Halloween so they can dress like a slut. Plenty of people dress like a slut every day just like plenty of people get drunk every day. A holiday doesn't make it okay. You're an embarrassment to yourself and your family.

3. Glitter
Glitter is the herpes of arts and crafts. Once you come into contact with it you've pretty much got it for the rest of your life. It will show up from time to time to embarrass you in front of your friends. "Hey Graham. You have some glitter on your cheek. There's also some on your shirt. When are the Ice Capades?" A family member that clearly hates me sent me a greeting card with glitter all over it and now I have glitter all over me. They could have easily spit into an envelope and sent that to me. I'll be just as annoyed and they'll have saved a few bucks in the process.

4. White supremacists
Whether they're burning crosses in the south or banging chicks behind Sandra Bullock's back I hate white supremacists. Is this the farthest we've come as a nation? It's like saving the green M&M's because you've been conditioned to put them on a pedestal. They're just like the other colors. Who are the role models for these people? Inbred, pig farmers, with a third grade education. Maybe you should set your sights a little higher. I know those kind of aspirations are easy to achieve but with a little work (extra emphasis on little) you might be able to afford a house without a hitch and axles some day. Think about it.

5. Sex tape celebrities
How is it that we as a society have come to exalt people who have taped themselves screwing or getting screwed. Before they were just dumb rich people being dumb and rich in various clubs without anybody giving a shit. A few of them show up in videos taking a pop shot and suddenly they're role models??? How the fuck does Kim Kardashian end up at the Teen Choice awards. I'll tell you how. She and her big fat ass got banged by a football player. Let's make her president.

I still feel a little cranky. I'm going to go outside and spit.

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