Monday, February 28, 2011

Short Blog Monday!

Steak. It's what's for dinner unless all you can afford is cereal.

Monday, February 21, 2011

What's your deal anyway?

I understand that sarcasm is not a universal language even when it's being conveyed in the native language of the individuals it's directed at. Chalk it up to lack of a sense of humor or just being an asshole/bitch.

I've had it explained to me by people before and it's actually pretty funny. To these people if you say something you have to mean it. "If you don't mean it then why say it?" Because it's fucking sarcasm!

The general consensus from the staunchly serious is that it's better to just sit there and stew rather than make light of any situation be it a brief and mundane moment or something life changing. The former doesn't need it and the latter needs to be reflected upon perhaps in a blog or while meditating.

Sarcasm is a tool of the frequently bored. It serves to amuse themselves which is why it frequently comes off as sincere. Because of this it's best to be conservative with your sarcasm unless you're among individuals that "get" you. If I were out with my wife and perhaps my brother and his woman and we were waiting a long time to be seated at a restaurant I'd typically say something like, "If I were to light myself on fire do you think they'd seat us faster? I'm going to give them five minutes." This would elicit a chuckle or two and I'd feel a little better about waiting so long. Other acquaintances of mine would forgo the chuckle and in a serious tone remind me of the Vietnamese monk that set himself on fire to protest his government and how we shouldn't make jokes referencing such serious moments of human suffering. There's not much you can say to that so you breath through your mouth for a moment while everybody forgets what has just transpired then you go back to talking about American Idol which, ironically, is a showcase of human suffering.

It's not just blatant attempts at sarcasm either. Even the smallest of comments seem to set people off. Let me paint you a picture. A purveyor of all things pure and healthy save for a life dominating coffee habit sits down at a cafe for several cups. The garçon (I know it means boy) says something to the tune of "You must really like coffee." while topping off her cup for the sixth time. A normal human being wouldn't construe this as anything except an observation but the hypersensitive individual would most likely fly off the handle and ask for a manager and a discount. Sometimes it's just for the discounts but mostly it's just to be a bitch.

I recently had somebody piss out my fire. I made a gentle jab at the last few presidents for sucking on a grand scale by comparing their meager accomplishments to past presidents who contributed substantially to our great nation. "Douche bag" was used to convey my intent to be humorous. It was subtle but that's how I roll. If you want cheap laughs via props and toilet humor go see Carrot Top. Instead of hitting the "like" button or offering an equally amusing retort, they instead chose to remind me that past presidents partook in activities (though not taboo at the time) that would draw the ire of just about everybody today. It quickly spiraled out of control. Why can't some people just enjoy the ride?

I'm not going to dial it back a few notches. My sarcasm knob goes all the way to 11. If the things people say in jest bother you it's not their problem it's yours. Turn that mirror around and take a good look at that scowl of yours. You're not doing anybody any favors. If somebody drops your food on the ground at a restaurant why don't you try saying something like, "Almost made it." or "Next time try to hit the pile of salt next to my chair. I like my food with a little flavor." rather than berating them about wasting food and asking for a discount.

Short blog Monday!

I burned my lip.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Short blog Monday! (on Tuesday)

When did Tuesday get here?

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Knock it off. You'll be fine.

The title is an inside joke but the topic is the sheer madness of some people and their love/hate relationship with things most people happily coexist with. I like to think I don't have a problem with medical quackery and ill-informed crusaders but from time to time they piss me off.

There is something to be said for organic products and holistic products. Organic meats and produce are delicious. Super delicious even. Lemon tea with honey soothes a sore throat. On the flip side industrial meats and produce also taste good and that soothing cup of tea doesn't cure my sore throat. Personally I'll save a buck or two on my slightly less delicious food and spend my savings on medicine that will cure my sore throat.

Some argue that organic meats come from happy animals that wander about and listen to Mozart taste better because there isn't any stress. Perhaps the farmer rubs their ear prior to putting the life ending bolt to the head but that's neither here nor there. I strongly, STRONGLY doubt that a cow is sitting there wishing it was wandering about while listening to Mozart. It doesn't know any better. The hormones make the meat bland and nothing more. If we were processing humans for their meat then that might be the case.

The crazy train doesn't just stop there. It runs right through Holisticville where cinnamon rolls are a cure for diabetes and a chiropractor can fix just about anything. There is science behind the remedies but it's soft science. Cinnamon lowers blood glucose but it's no substitute for your insulin. A chiropractor can reduce stress on joints by extending them which in turn helps you relax. What they don't tell you is that they're addressing the symptoms but not the cause. It's all about restoring flexibility. Take yoga. You'll never need that quack to crack your neck ever again.

The people that subscribe to these practices are the same types of people that believe the odor of a peanut will kill their child. Science has taught us that people are allergic to the proteins in peanuts which are not present in the aroma of said nuts. Still, I can't get peanuts on a plane because Eamon's mom thinks he might smell them. If I try to eat a peanut butter cup she'll try to have me thrown off the plane. Your kid will be fine as long as I can refrain from spitting out my snack on him. High fructose corn syrup is also fine.

Some people claim the placebo effect they get from "natural" remedies is just as effective as the curing properties of modern medicine. The problem is that there is a difference between a perceived effect and an actual effect. Just because you think and feel like you're being cured doesn't necessarily you're being cured. This seems like a logical argument but people are still convinced rubbing a little olive oil on your shoulder then putting a dandelion and a cat turd in a mason jar next to the southeast corner of your house is a cure for the common cold.

Thanks for listening to me ramble. Back to your regularly scheduled program.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Short blog Monday!

Even though I have computers, phones, and other elaborate electronics, all I really want are my Transformers back.