I have to return some video tapes.

I haven't been writing much. I blame my incredibly exciting life. It's hard enough to do my wildly popular "Ask Graham" posts let alone think of something to ramble on about. When I ponder the facets of my life I'm left with brief statements regarding each.

I love my wife.
I love my dog.
Work sucks.
I have a nice yard.
I need drums.

Friday is here so I'll treat you to some...

It's Friday which means it's time to ask Graham. Graham will do his best to answer your questions about all things men should know but some just don't. He knows more than you do.

Anonymous writes:
And a good day to you sir! I'm a a big aviation buff and Top Gun is one of my favorite movies. I believe it's gotten a bad rap for a perceived undertone of homosexuality. I don't agree with this as Maverick clearly goes after a chick. What do you think?

Flying by,
Robert "Ace" McCormick
Dallas, TX

You can post my real name but I'd prefer it if you wouldn't.

Graham responds:
Nice to meet another movie lover though I do question the movies Anonymous loves. To answer your question the bad rap is fully justified as this movie makes "Velvet Goldmine" look like "Full Metal Jacket." I'm sorry that I can't agree with you but this movie is just a little too light in the loafers. So much so that I can't see anything but what the movie is about. A few dudes that like to fly planes and hang out in the locker room together after a good shower. Have you seen Kelly McGillis lately. This is what a love scene with Tom Cruise does to you.

I'd love to say that this is a great movie about jets flying around and blowing up whoever our enemy was at the time but it's not. Maverick comes to grips with his sexuality and in the end chooses his lover in the form of Ice Man (Val Kilmer) by pointing at him nonetheless!
"I choose YOU to hang out with me and make a shit load of pop corn.


There are just too many obvious moments to ignore. Perhaps you forgot this scene.

You don't even have to watch it. You can just listen to the Kenny Loggins song and feel the sweaty embrace of a man. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

In summary it's a pretty soft movie but I guess you could do worse. You can defend it all you want but the signs are all there. In my opinion it would have made a better musical.

Go rent a real movie.
Graham

If you or anybody you know has questions about how to be manly and/or do manly things. Let me know. I'd be more than happy to set them straight.

I used some tools

I had a manly weekend. I got my butt up at the crack of 10am on Saturday and enjoyed a very cool morning digging a trench in the backyard and laying mulch. I like using shovels and my wheel barrow. Later on in the day I hung up some mounting hardware so I can hang my wheelbarrow up out of the way. I've been on an organizing kick in the garage.

The in-laws came over later on in the day and I cooked meat using fire. It was awesome. We went on a walk and made fun of the neighbor's crappy yards.

Today was equally awesome. I drove all over the place trying to find cheapo cabinets to mount over my work bench. I should have just gone to Home Depot first and saved myself the trouble since nobody else had anything. They went together pretty quick and didn't give me any trouble going up which I surprised the crap out of me. I picked up some additional hardware for some extra shelves. Everything is up but they were out of peg board so I may try something different to mount my tools. They're pretty ugly right now but at least everything is put away. I'm also modifying my saw horses so I can store them easily. I cheaped out on those instead of getting the fancy plastic ones that fold flat. We're going to spring for a snowblower later this year so I'll need a place to store it. I'm pretty jazzed about my garage.

I'll tinker with it a little more this week. Having a garage rules.

It's Friday. That means it's time to...

It's Friday which means it's time to ask Graham. Graham will do his best to answer your questions about all things men should know but some just don't. He knows more than you do.

Anonymous writes:
My question is about preparing and cooking meat. I am a big fan of meat and would like to know the manly secrets of grilling. I'd like to start small then work my way to other meats and then maybe try some vegetarian treats. Thanks for the hand.

Your buddy,
Adam Pierce
Rochester, NY

I'd like to do this anonymously so I can impress my girlfriend.

Graham responds:
Thanks for putting your trust in me Anonymous. I pity any foo that doesn't know how to prepare and cook meat. I'm pretty sure that all men are born with the ability to select, season, then cook all forms of meat available today and by meat I mean beef, pork, poultry, fish, etc.

Since you were born without this important manly feature I'll help you out in case there are any post op transsexuals out there that may also want to know.

First and foremost you need to select your meat. There are two different ways to get your meat. You can get it from a butcher's shop or from the butcher at your local grocery store. I know they sell pre-packaged stuff but that's what chicks buy.

You want the biggest cut you can buy so people will gawk at the size of your meat. Take it home and unwrap it. Grunt at it then grab your girlfriend's/wife's ass.

Fire up your grill. This is the only way to cook meat. Mr. Foreman's novelty grill doesn't count. Put your meat on a plate and take it to the grill. You'll want to put your plate about six inches from the grill. Take your tongs and place the meat on the grill. After it stops sizzling that means the meat is done. Take your meat inside and show it to your girlfriend/wife. When they look away, grab their ass.

That's about it. You really don't need to do anything else. If you need seasoning or steak sauce, it's overcooked.

There aren't any vegetarian things you can cook on a grill because grills are made for cooking meat.

Get our there, find some meat, cook it, then eat it. Invite people over to eat it with you.

Enjoy your weekend.
Graham

If you or anybody you know has questions about how to be manly and/or do manly things. Let me know. I'd be more than happy to set them straight.

If you don't know the answer...

It's Friday which means it's time to ask Graham. Graham will do his best to answer your questions about all things men should know but some just don't. This is serious business.

Anonymous writes:
My question is about "Manscaping." What is it and how often should I do it? I would also like to know if there are specific areas to groom or do they all need equal attention? My roommate shaves him arms and chest so I'll assume that he takes care of other places as well. Help.

John Carlson
Phoenix, AZ

PS: Please do not use my real name.

Graham responds:
Thanks for writing Anonymous. Forgive me for answering your question with a question but what are you doing watching your roommate shave his chest? In all seriousness there is no reason to do any "Manscaping" whatsoever. If you must trim something, mow the lawn or find a less manly man that would let you mow his lawn. My neighbor would most likely let you take care of his.

If your female is demanding that you shave something you should be asking her why rather than asking me what you should shave. If she wants you to look a like a young boy while naked then I think it's time to find a new female.

Most men do it because of the old adage, "Trim the bushes to make the tree look taller." which is true in some cases but the way I see it, why cut back an attractive set of bushes if they're capable of hiding your "tree." I'd think you'd want to hide the thing at all costs.

Personally, I don't do it. I find that my female doesn't care and in fact likes my nethers to be adorned with foliage. In fact I grew a beard just so she'd have additional man hair to gawk at.

If you still feel the need to "Manscape" I'd suggest asking your female since grooming your body hair is something chicks do.

Good day.
Graham

If you or anybody you know has questions about how to be manly and/or do manly things. Let me know. I'd be more than happy to set them straight.

I have nothing for you

It's difficult to blog when you don't do anything. I could talk about current events but let's be honest, everybody knows what is happening with the economy and Michael Jackson was not really an integral part of my adolescence. Because of that I've decided to share some Bollywood goodness. Here is how they do He Man.



It's God awful but at the same time it's brilliant. My wife hit the nail on the head when she stated that every musical number sounds the same. Since I don't speak Injun I'll simply assume every song is written by the same person. The John Williams of India if you will. I've actually seen quite a bit of what Bollywood has to offer the world. Most of it was by accident. I used to service a few Indian restaurants when I worked as a field tech at my job. I must say the films are much more enjoyable when they're not competing with the smell of Indian food. I'm sure they're even better when you know what's happening. I'd sometimes create my own story and do the subtitles in my head. I tried to stay as close to the subject matter that I thought was being presented.

On one occasion there was a film where the actors spoke English here and there. What a mind fuck that was. Here I was with a charming romantic comedy about a guy who likes to visit the park and feed the ducks every day on account of his obsessive compulsive tendencies. He catches the eye of a very attractive lady that couldn't possibly be interested in him even if he didn't wear tight pants and have a moustache. Little did I know that she was learning English from the guy and that the park was a nice setting for a musical number. Fuck.

I like "Call Me Al" by Paul Simon. That song fucking rocks.