Sunday, November 15, 2009

I have a short list of movies that I will not watch ever again. It's not because I don't love these movies. I just don't like blubbering like a girl while watching a movie. My wife can cry during any movie but I'm more selective.

Most people think my list is too short. They immediately start naming movies I should be including but honestly as sad and tragic as those movies are I spend more time appreciating the story than I spend actually absorbing the moment enough to muster up some tears. For me it has to be a little more than just a depressing moment. That's why I don't cry watching most Robin Williams dramas, Dancer in the Dark or Shindler's List. I'd be lying if I didn't say that there is a dominant theme in the movies that affect me. I don't own these movies because I'd never watch them and I certainly don't leave them on TV when I come across them. I simply look for an educational program or sports to keep my mind occupied.

I'll feel sad in any movie where an animal dies. It's a funny thing about that. I can watch just about anybody get gunned down but as soon as something bad happens to a dog I feel bad even if the dog belongs to the villain.

Let's take a look at what does it for me. A few of these are guaranteed sobbers for most people that have seen them. If you haven't seen the movies don't spoil it by watching these clips.

Field of Dreams
Youtube doesn't have a the touching, yet manly conclusion. In summary, Costner plays catch with is dad and and then I get something in my eye. This one is pretty much man specific. I can't think of a lot of women who reach the end of this movie and break down.

Life is Beautiful
Most people regard holocaust films as a cop-out when compiling sad movie lists. This one is special because the point of view of the characters and a stellar performance by an obnoxious Italian. I saw this movie once and it was enough.

Sling Blade
I can watch BBT do Karl Childers over and over because it's damn funny and at the same time the sincerity of the character is profound.

The Iron Giant
Anybody who hasn't seen this cartoon probably thinks I'm dumb for turning on the waterworks at the end of a family movie. Give it a watch then call me. Superman bitches.

Feel free to share any movies you think I might have missed. I think it's a solid list. Remember I'm not talking about mopey movies. These are films that get me all choked up and require a certain amount of swallowing and blinking. I could do a million blogs about depressing movies.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

The Dog

What's the deal with dogs? She has to take a crap and whines at me to take her outside. Once outside she wanders the yard for 10 minutes until she ultimately decides to go in the spot where she always goes.

When I need to do my business I don't wander from bathroom to bathroom in my house sniffing around to help me decide which of my three toilets is the best one to use.

Why are dogs so stupid?

Thursday, November 5, 2009

You take the bad...

Let's talk about the Facts of Life. Not in general, mind you, the TV sitcom.

I never actually watched the show but I was recently made aware that one of the characters lost their virginity and it was a big deal. Looking at the picture above you probably thought what I though but no, it wasn't the hot chick. The actor who played Blair was overtly religious and refused so they went with the next logical choice. Yup, big ol' Natalie gave it up first.


You heard me correctly. Natalie was apparently the best choice. Like me you're probably asking why? This has been lingering in my skull recently so I decided to plot it out. Most will quickly dismiss this by stating that the fat chick is almost always the first to reach home plate unless there is a slut in the group. There really isn't a slut in the group unless you count Cloris Leachman but I don't because she was a casting change later on in the series and doesn't really count. I think it goes much deeper than that. The way I see it many a long night was spent trying to figure out how to do this one. Here is how I think it went down.

I picture a room of very tired writers with white boards figuring it out. Let's start with Tootie.

Tootie - She was off the table faster than you can say "race card." They weren't about to have the black girl be a harlot. It was hard enough countering the other white broads. Plus she was too darned cute. America wouldn't believe it and it would send the wrong message.

Jo - She's pretty much saving herself for Blair and since we know half of that equation cherishes her virginity this one will occur only in our dreams. Mine consists of a greasy Jo riding up on her motorcycle then being washed by Blair. I doubt she'd climb Mount Natalie but who knows. If Jo was to have any form of intercourse with a man I'd assume it would involve her raping the guy.

Blair - Even if she was willing it would be too cliche. Plus she was so stuck up the only person she could make love to would be herself. What a bitch.

That pretty much leaves us with Natalie. I know that there wasn't a lot of love for the manatee of the group but when you think about it she really is the logical choice. When you have a group of ladies such as this the heifer needs to keep up and the best way to do that is by being easy and she most certainly was. Add to that the undeniable truth that nobody looked up to her as a role model and you've got a slam dunk for the coming of age storyline.

Why do such a storyline? They were still teaching abstinence back then so wouldn't it be more logical to have a story featuring her getting to second or third base? Admittedly you can't do a drunken blow job story on a program such as this and it would be too awkward having her say no while some dude feels her up even though that worked on other programs where they can have the attractive girl on the show take a stand for her rights as a lady. Remember Natalie was a role model to nobody so they couldn't use this angle.

This is just one of the many things I think about when I'm up late at night with nothing to watch or read.