Friday, April 16, 2010

Blowing off more steam.

It's Friday again so I'm about to unload. This has been a pretty swell week but I can always complain so here goes.

1. Pee spots on my lawn
Don't get me wrong. I love my dog almost as much as I love my wife but she pisses me off. I've made peace with the fact that she requires my backyard to make. I diligently pick up her deuces because nothing says lazy slob like a backyard covered in dog shit.

My real gripe is that my dog pees like a troubled artist paints. She can't just walk out to a predetermined area. That would require rational though which her brain just can't handle. She has to walk around for at least ten minutes until she can find an area suitable for her bodily fluids. From time to time she'll pick a dedicated area just to fuck with me I'm sure. Those spots eventually turn yellow and nothing will grow there without me forcing nature to occur. Once this damage is done do you think she'll pee in those spots? HELL NO! They're either not good enough or she wants to start a new spot.

I'll continue to love my dog but I wish she didn't have to pee.

2. Foreigners, strange parents, and names
I'm one of few Republicans that appreciate immigrants both legal and not in this country. Not only do they work hard to set an example (which is ignored) but those that come over with names that are hard to either pronounce or spell usually change their name to something more conventional. They do this to make all of the day to day doings as easy as possible for those they must do those things with. God bless these thoughtful people.

To counteract that we have these generation X/Y parents throwing out a hail Mary when picking baby names. Names like John, Michael, and Robert just aren't good enough for their crotch fruit. They have to scour the alphabet for additional vowels or consonants. Robert becomes Rhaburt. Johnathan becomes Jaanothen. Micheal becomes Cash. You get the picture. They pretty much do whatever possible to ensure schools, the government, and their employers will have so much trouble trying to get their names right that they invariably have to change them to the conventional spelling.

What does it matter how they spell their names? It's not like they'll have it embroidered on everything they wear. People are going to call them Mike, John, and Bob which is what their name is and also how it is spelled in their phone book.

3. White trash parents and their children.
Why is it that a great deal of these bottom feeders will happily throw down with their significant others on a regular basis but they'd never think of disciplining their children. Some kids need a good whuppin' every now and then to keep them in line even if it's a figurative whuppin' like a time out and not necessarily a sore bottom.

If I can train a dog they can train a kid.

4. Stupid Americans
Arguably the United States has slowed down with respect to the advancement of human kind. Some blame all the red tape but I blame stupid Americans. There was a time when even the dumbest President we've ever had still had the stones and know how to put a man on the moon. Ponder that for a second. A man on the freaking moon. We had never done that and Kennedy wasn't about to let the Russkies get another Sputnik past us. We did it using slide rules and a shit load of machismo.

These days the kids would rather create/play video games or program apps for the iPhone or simply become famous. Those are just the ambitious kids. The rest of them are just sitting around waiting for their 21's birthday so they can buy their own beer and get drunk.

5. PBR
I know I've talked about Pabst Blue Ribbon before but in the spirit of complaining I figured I'd mention this just one more time.

It's cheap beer plain and simple. I know it's recently become the preferred drink of impoverished and wealthy hipsters (who can really tell?) who prefer to drink the best tasting of the worst tasting beers. It's basically a way of saying, "I can't afford something that tastes good but it's so important for me to be drunk that I've developed a taste for this swill. Pass me another 12'er. I'm not buzzed yet. "

PBR = The cooking sherry of beers.

See you next week.

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