Friday, April 9, 2010

A Time To Vent

I don't vent very often and I really should. The problem is I don't have an audience to tear into and I'm not about to unload my various grievances onto my lovely wife. Feel free to read and comment as you see fit.

1. Public Restrooms
I don't frequently use public restrooms. I have a pretty massive bladder capacity and I tend to do my business prior to leaving the house so I don't have to use public facilities. Why you ask? The incredible amount of filth. I'm sure the ladies room isn't much better but I think our bathrooms are the worst.

Who are these disgusting people that use public restrooms like Japanese business men use prostitutes? This goes beyond claiming a space as your own. It's not like the people who "move in" when they get to their seat on a plane. Even though they certainly leave their mark it's not like they plan on returning to claim said area.

I'm sure they can manage using their own bathroom without making it a work of modern art so why is it as soon as they reach an area that somebody else cleans they revert to the level of primates and go where they please. It's disgusting. Oh yeah. Wash your damn hands!

2. Guy who let his dog shit in the street.
Just because you let your dog shit in the street instead of on somebody's lawn or on the sidewalk doesn't let you off the hook for cleaning it up. You're a pig and your dog is ashamed of you.

3. DJ's on the Radio or lack thereof.
I'm not old but I can still remember a time where DJ's were necessary for good radio. They were required to not only know how to work a sound board but to also *gasp* put together a play list and let us know what we're listening to and why it's significant enough to play in the first place. This was before quotas to play a certain song a certain amount of times each day existed. Radio used to kick ass.

Some stations still employ somebody to take us through the song list even though said list is meticulously controlled by an unseen corporate entity. Rarely do they actually know about the music that they're about to play or just played. I understand there's not much you can say about Miley Cyrus' "Party in the USA" but there are occasionally songs that have substance that get played and many of us would like to know a little about the song or artist involved. Instead we get the time of day and a half assed weather or traffic report. First of all we already know what time it is because our car has a clock otherwise our cell phone does. Secondly, if we're sitting in traffic we're well aware that we're sitting in traffic and for those of us that sit in said traffic every day don't really need to be told why. We already know it's due to poor civil engineering and/or some jackhole that rear ended another jackhole while text messaging to his/her significant other that they're stuck in traffic.

If you're a DJ and have to use time fillers then basically you're only good for taking calls and responding for the most part. That pretty much only qualifies you for the fast food industry although you do need to know how to make change so I guess your options are limited. Enjoy employment while it lasts. Most stations now consist of a computer that plays the chosen singles and commercials without your interference. It will be doing your job soon.

4. The giant insect that flew in while the door was open.
Were you waiting for me to open the door? I think you were. The first thing you'll do is orbit one of the lights in my kitchen like Skylab before following more of a comet trajectory that takes you past my TV every fifteen seconds which forces me to get up and swat at you. I won't hit you and you'll disappear until I get to my bedroom which is where you've apparently been hiding all night. I'll hit you with my slipper and you vanish again. Next stop, my outer ear at 6:45am. So much for sleeping in. You'll likely die of natural causes since there is no way I'll ever be able to kill you. You're as cunning as a mongoose and as smart as a slice of buttered bread.

5. Car slobs.
It's no mystery that I like a nice clean car. It tortures me that my wagon is all dirty in the garage right now. At least it's not full of garbage. My wife may have an impressive Kleenex collection in her car but at least I know I'm not going to find a chicken leg bone sitting on a floor mat. I try to clean it out periodically. Once I have a good weekend both cars will get their bi-annual detailing.

To some it's just a car. A means of getting from here to there. To others it's a landfill. Give them the keys and they'll turn a cup holder into a ketchup tray for their fries. There is no excuse. You're a slob plain and simple.

6. One month anniversaries
What the fuck is this. It takes a year to have an anniversary. Annual!!! You can celebrate one month of not breaking up or a week of exclusive screwing all you want. Just don't call it an anniversary because it's not.

7. LOL
This means laughing out loud or at least that's what it used to mean. Somewhere along the way LOL replaced the period. I've never used it because I rarely laugh out loud when doing anything online with the exception of looking at pictures of cats with poorly spelled captions.

In the proper context it would be an appropriate response to something genuinely funny or even at the tail end of a statement that you consider hilarious. Instead it's used to complete most coherent or incoherent thought. Here are some examples.

Correct = Bla bla bla bla bla... The Aristocrats! LOL
Incorrect = I'm going to the store later LOL

It's not rocket science. The top statement is easily funny and therefore an individual may actually be laughing or at least wish they could if they still felt emotions. The second statement isn't even funny to the person who made the statement. LOL is just this knee-jerk statement that is the internet equivalent to a ham radio operator saying, "Over." Knock it off or I'll knock it off for you.

8. We met online
No you didn't. If you haven't made eye contact you haven't met yet. You're still acquaintances as far the universe goes. You're actually more acquainted with the Moon since you've actually laid eyes on it. It's like me saying I've been to Australia based upon what I've read about it and pictures I've seen though I've never actually been there. If you can't say for certain what they look like in person you haven't met. Yet another case where the internet has muddied our vocabulary.

This concludes my rant. It feels good to get these things off my chest. They're not the only things that burn my ass but it's a good start. I feel pretty good now. Thanks for reading. Remember to wash your hands.


  1. I think every Friday should be your rant day in your blog. I find it very entertaining. And if it means you won't rant to me about our neighbors and such all day long...then it's good in my book!

  2. I have a feeling it will just perpetuate my desire/need to complain to the point of where I get off on it. I will surely lose what hair I have left and develop liver spots. Not very attractive for a 31 year old.

  3. I love this. Do this more often. I try not to bitch and complain a lot simply because I feel so mean. You do it with such a comedic flair that it's pure entertainment. You don't come off as a jerk but as a human that has a few issues with society. No problem with that at all.

    Jill, you should do one as well. "The Rant Blog."