Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Horse With Giant Penis

I've always wondered about native Americans with cool sounding names. Do you think they were really given the name at birth or did they come up with it later on like Sean Combs does every couple of months?

A (very) little bit of research determined that they don't just stick their head out the door (or flap depending on the tribe) and whatever they saw would stick. If that were the case there would be a lot of people named, "Lawn with Weeds" or "Licking Dog." They let an elder choose based upon a dream or vision. Most likely they just pick something creative while daydreaming. I'd hate to name a kid after the stuff I dream about. My poor child would end up being called, "Running Monster With Knife Hands" or "Charlize Theron's Tits."

Generally it's a simple name like "Sweet Corn" or "Running Bunny" but those won't serve you well in life especially if you want to be chief or the accountant for the local tribe casino. This is where the nickname comes in.

The beauty of a nickname is that it can be self applied. If you establish a cool one before your friends can come up with a BS name like "Chubby Wolf" you'll be able to strut around, calling yourself "Horse With Giant Penis." Nobody is going to respect, "Cries Like A Girl" so if you have a propensity to cry at the drop of a hat you better take to calling yourself, "Macho Bear" as early as possible. The nickname kind of takes the mystique out of it all but I can understand why they do it. Nobody wants to go through life with a dull nickname.

Native American or plain old schmo, you can do a lot with a good nickname. I've been saddled with "Cracker" because I lacked the ingredients required to get you a cool nickname. If you find yourself without a moniker that suits you or somebody way cooler than you, I strongly suggest self applying one before the tribe has spoken.


  1. I have to say I very much enjoyed this blog. Two thumbs up, fine holiday fun!

  2. Gee thanks. I have my moments.