Friday, June 4, 2010

Friday Rant: Glee Edition!

There are plenty of things that brought my tolerance to a screeching halt this week but they're going to have to wait a week because I'm going to open a can of whup ass on Glee.

I recall watching a pilot some time ago for what seemed like a hilarious new show. It was about a group of outcasts joining the high school Glee club. It had a delightful politically correct lineup that was done with such disdain for the status quo that it was easy to side with them. Each character had incredible depth and plenty of baggage for most everybody to relate to. For some reason the producers of the show decided to throw this all away in favor of a weekly karaoke jam smothered in auto-tune. Let's figure out what went wrong shall we?

Meet the original cast. A rag tag group of kids wearing white gloves being awkward.

Nice looking group of kids right? Hell no! They took everything that rich, attractive, and popular kids in high school hate more than anything. You have a street wise, black girl who happens to be overweight to ensure the "cool" kids can still make fun of her without upsetting liberal folks because everybody hates fat people. She can sing which makes her a perfect fit for the group.

Racial equality is important so there is also an Asian girl. The black girl already took obesity as her outcastic trait so they made the Asian girl goth. Goth kids tend to cut themselves in private and/or secretly plot to destroy the school so they made her shy and gave her a stutter. Check and check. The only catch is that she can sing which makes her a perfect fit for the group.

Kurt is a special case. I use his name because it's the only one I can remember. He's gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
It wasn't enough for him to be into men. They gave him a feminine swagger that was actually pretty damned cool. It didn't seem like the school got to him at all. His girly voice made him all the more endearing. He could sing which made him a perfect fit for the group.

In rolls wheelchair boy for the wild card spot. My wife and I were very excited to see this kid. He was hilarious as the captive pizza boy on The Office.
I would have liked to see them hire him on as a warehouse worker but alas it wasn't meant to be. To lessen the blow of high school students picking on the handicapped kid they dressed him like a nerd so they could dislike him for that instead. The fact that he had wheels was an avoidable topic. He couldn't dance but he sure could sing and play guitar which made him a perfect fit for the group.

Meet the showbiz nerd. Her story is interesting because she's obsessed with stardom and appears to have what it takes to make it. To counter that she's completely clueless that she's lame. They did an incredible job of making the (arguably) most talented member of the Glee a complete and total outcast. She could sing which made her a perfect fit for the group.

No show would be complete without yin to the nerd's yang. Enter The Jock, his cheerleader girlfriend, some other jocks, and some more cheerleaders. The Jock has an interesting back story involving his mom and a guy that paints dead grass green. The grass painter was banging his mom while teaching The Jock how cool Journey is. His girlfriend is a total bitch and loves to make fun of the girls in the glee club because they obviously suck. He can't really sing but he knows all about cool music which makes him a perfect fit for the group.

Rounding out the cast is the teacher guy and his bitch of a wife, an Indian principal, (I knew we were missing a race there) the mega butch cheer leading coach, and an anal retentive redheaded guidance counselor that I like very much.

The pilot was hilarious. Yeah, they were all outcasts but when they got together to sing it didn't matter because they were really good and Journey rocks.

What happened?
The pilot was a hit and Fox did what any network with a new hit show on its hands does. It completely revamps the show and kills everything that I found entertaining. They did it so gradually that most people didn't notice it. The slowly sliced away the layers of each character. What we have now is this fantasy program where everybody gets to be themselves and are celebrated for it. Ironically, the character I think we were supposed to love the most has become the least endearing character which goes to prove my theory that characters named Rachel ruin shows.

The Asian broad lost her stutter which, as it turns out. wasn't even real. By the end of the season she'll run for class president and win.

Kurt has softened up waaaaay too much. Apparently focus groups don't like their gays to be confident and unaffected. People want to see him pushed to tears which is kind of sad. His turn as a place kicker was pretty sweet but apparently the jocks forgot about that and went right back to threatening to kick his ass on a daily basis. Pick a plot line and stick to it!

The street wise, black girl is still fat but she's pretty much off everybody's radar. She'll be replaced before next season starts. Nobody will notice.

Wheels went from being a nerd that could sing and shred the guitar to one of the saddest characters of all. He wants to walk now which we know will never happen. Then again this is the magical world of Glee. They'll chalk his paralysis up to mental trauma and he'll be dancing about with little to no evidence that his legs are underdeveloped from lack of use.

Jane Lynch is still a bitch with a heart of gold. I'm starting to hate her character too. She does what she can to keep is real but you can tell they're pushing her to start sucking on the same level as the rest of the cast.

Don't even get me started on the teacher guy. The only thing he's good for is segueing a classroom scene into a musical number. He's a dork.

I've made peace with the fact that I'll never get hear the glee club on Glee sing another Journey song. I'm not even sure if I'd call it a show now. Mostly it just seems like the story gets in the way of the musical numbers which also suck. I want to like the show but I can't seem to find a reason to watch it.


  1. This is my favorite blog entry yet!! Well done, Husband, well done!

  2. HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA despite my utter love for Glee, this was HILARIOUS!! Graham, your writing makes me wanna pee my pants. Kudos.

    The Rachel reference sent me over the edge I think.

  3. Oh! And that kid from American Idol auditions!! I have him saved to my computer as well! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!