Monday, April 11, 2011

What's another word for euphemism?

Ironically I find euphemisms very offensive.

Every year I hear overly cautious retailers and the news media mutter, "Happy Holidays" quickly so as not to offend those that don't celebrate holidays. "Merry Christmas" was perfectly acceptable for hundreds of years because it happened to be a particular day on the calendar. At some point during the later part of the 20th century some dickhead decided that he didn't like "Christ" and didn't want to speak the name of the aforementioned holiday instead opting for the more robotic "Xmas." Another dickhead took it one further and omitted "Merry" from the greeting since it had too much yuletide cheer associated with it. "Happy Xmas" had a nice ring to it but soon even that was too much and "Happy Holidays" was adopted as the suitable statement since it covered numerous holidays that fell around that time.

I get that religion irks people to no end. Does that mean we need to dilute the culture out of the world to achieve an Orwellian utopia?

A recent story was published about an individual filling eggs with candy for a certain upcoming holiday and dubbing them "Spring Spheres" so as not to upset anybody in the public school system. Now things are getting to be a little ridiculous. I can't understand how public schools would be willing to accept a name such as that since eggs aren't spherical. They're ovular. Oh right, we can't say "Spring Oval" because oval comes from the ovum which is Latin for egg and we're trying to maintain the alliteration in case there are any merchandising plans. I'm not sure why the Easter egg had to be removed at all when it's the Jesus aspects we're looking to bury. Maybe they're worried that he'll just rise again if they do so rather than take any chances they'll just whack the holiday and be done with it.

Perhaps parents were annoyed that the Jesus lovers and their Pagan counterparts were getting too much attention. If nobody cares about Earth Day then they don't care about the other Spring holiday.

How long until we've eradicated holidays? Is Thanksgiving next? We can call it "Poultry Centric Dinner" so as not to alienate people who have nothing to be thankful for.

Once we're done killing holidays to the point of where we just have days off of work for no apparent reason we can focus on celebrating things like little Brayden getting a B- in PE or when he lights the garbage on fire without burning the house down. Think of all the money retailers will save on changing out holiday specific items. That will free up space for "push presents" and other celebratory crap that people like to blow money on these days.

April 24th everybody.

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