Thursday, August 11, 2011

Five On Thursday

I haven't complained in awhile.

1. Label Makers
I have a fancy Brother label maker that is pretty sweet aside from the fact that I need a second mortgage to replace the label ribbon. It's a fine piece of machinery. Awesome as it is it's incapable of erasing the memory of this little honey.
I'm sure it did the job for the old ladies of the 70's with their incredibly strong hands. Seven year old Graham wanted to make labels for Lego organizer. I had a multiple drawer system to store the many unique Lego pieces I owned. Once in said drawers you couldn't see them so my mom suggested I make labels for the drawers and handed me the "Label Pistol." My hands were substantially weaker back then and it took all my might to press each letter into the hard plastic ribbon. There was a cutter on it as well but by the time I spelled out "Flat 1X2" I just couldn't cut unless I used scissors which wasted a great deal of that ribbon. Did I mention that the edges of the label did an incredible job of going under your finger nail when you tried to peel off the backing to reveal the adhesive. What a stupid product.

2. Blondes
I've probably ranted about blondes before but I'm going to do it again. There aren't a lot of blondes I find attractive. I can probably count them all using one hand. Many of them are regarded as attractive for simply being blonde and not fat. For the most part it's because they're a caricature of what young boys found attractive back when they were discovering ladies via Poison music videos. Bret Micheals and whatever slut was grabbing at his gonads looked eerily alike so a great many guys had to keep their focus on the tits to ensure they were wanking to the correct individual. I think this is the reason most shallow men select women based upon hair color and rack size. It's a little known fact that blondes age three times as fast as other women. This phenomena occurs because at a certain point you have to start looking at their face. We never really noticed that they've aged horribly because they've got a distraction on their chest. Generally if you see a young looking blonde it's actually brunette. I like redheads.

3. English Rioters
Knock it off, douche bags.

4. Summertime
Why does it have to be so stinking hot? How can anybody stand being all sweaty? If I could skip July and August I'd be happy.

5. Super Parents
First and foremost there is no such thing. There are good parents and there are bad parents. Where parents fall is subjective. If you regard yourself as a super parent you're probably not. I find that the parents that pat themselves on the back usually have a pretty obnoxious brood. The parents that don't flaunt their wares about are usually the ones that fall into the super category. Their kids usually end up being doctors, scientists, and other occupations that further humanity. There are exceptions to every rule of course but there's a reason that most kids who work at their parent's business are assholes. It's because their parents allowed them to be for fear of stifling their creativity. All that those "Super Parents" did was produce an entitled shit head. When I make statements like this I usually hear crap like "When you have kids..." or "You don't understand because..." That's a crock of bull. I know crotch fruit when I see it. Did you have them for their sake or for yours? That's what I thought. You're no super parent. You're a person with kids.


  1. Of course, I agree with pretty much everything written above. Although, I have a few blonde cousins that are actually pretty and a couple of them still look fairly young.

  2. 1.We get excited to get label makers as gifts in my family. But yeah the old school ones sucked. I remember using it for the VHS tapes that we recorded stuff on.
    2.Hands down AGREE! I say cheers to brunettes & redheads!
    3.Totally Concur.
    4.I would also like to throw in the end of June, Sept @ least in Cali.
    5.I beyond agree with this one. You don't have to be a parent to observe how people parent. If that makes sense?!

    Great Blog! Two thumbs way up!