Friday, August 7, 2009

Happy Friday men and aspiring men! I wasn't able to post a letter last week because I was at a manly conference. It was a good time. I learned how to not cry and belch my favorite drinking songs all while mowing the lawn and winning a bar fight. I am now even better equipped to help you.

Anonymous wrote:

Dear Graham,
I was looking for an outfit for
my dog the other day. My wife insisted on a little dog that yaps like you wouldn't believe. I'd like to get it some outfit or accessory to make it appear more manly so I don't feel so self conscious while walking it. I was thinking a studded collar or a vest with a skull on it. Something like that.

Respectfully yours,

Woodrow Teagan
Tampa, FL

Thanks for writing Woo... I'm going to call you Steve because there is no way Woodrow is your real name. If it is I suggest changing it to something less strange. Also, don't you or anybody ever start a letter with "Dear Graham" again. Let's talk about that dog.

There is nothing less manly than a yappy dog. I feel your pain. I don't quite understand why you would think that dressing it up like a teenage girl that reads those Twilight books while drooling over guys wearing lipstick would be a good idea. Honestly people. At what point did the quintessential accessory for a gay man at an S&M club become considered a way to "butch" up an otherwise effeminate dog? Don't put that on your dog unless you plan on taking him to the Blue Oyster Bar for dancing.

What about the vest you say? Apparently you didn't see the picture above. Take another look at Woodrow doing the tango with that large man. Now look to the left. See that cue ball watching them? What's he wearing?

Get your dog a normal collar or harness. The less conspicuous the better. Forget the leash. All you need is a good length of rope to hook to the collar or harness. There is nothing manlier than a length of rope. Say it with me. "Length of rope." Feels good doesn't it?

Now go fourth and walk your damn dog.

Applesauce bitch.



  2. I'm telling you. This is what manly men say every day. I always work it into conversations.

  3. Haha. Little yappy dogs are the worst....especially when carried in a purse.