Wednesday, October 14, 2009

I'm as mad as hell and I'm not going to take this anymore!

Nobody reads my blog so I've decided to use it to blow off some steam by talking about something that really burns my ass. Today we're going to talk about cheap beer and the losers that love it.

I'm not a beer snob in the least bit. Hell, I always have a couple of Miller Lights in the fridge just in case the mood hits me. It's pretty inexpensive considering what I typically drink. I like a good brown ale with just the right amount of everything that makes ale so damned good. I have a hard time justifying paying the extra cash for something I don't consume that often. Some would argue that's even more of a reason to buy the good stuff. I would tend to agree but I also like Miller Light. It keeps me out of the realm of beer snobbery but away from the riffraff I'm about to unload on.

I've heard my share of debate about how to best get drunk in the various drinking establishments I've patronized over the years. The most common one among marathon drunks is how best to get drunk. It's globally accepted that the best way to do so is by spending the least amount of money on something they don't really want to taste prior to turning it into piss.

Pabst Blue Ribbon (or PBR as they like to call it) is essentially a cooking beer that has become the mainstay of hipsters and Starbucks managers who like to socialize with a can of suds but refuse to pay more than a buck fifty for the stuff and even THAT is too much in some circles. When asked why they specifically order the stuff the usual reply is that it's better than Keystone, Busch Light, or Natural Ice. Three of the cheapest, blandest beers you can get without having to step into a 99 cent store. You're in a whole other class when you begin to look elsewhere for your hooch. It all pretty much tastes like piss and comes out exactly the same way it went in. In essence, PBR drinkers are piss connoisseurs. They've elevated this particular brand partially because of it's fifty cent premium over the lesser beers and because of a clever word of mouth campaign by Pabst (no really, look it up) to get the anti-cool kids to drink it thus making it the trucker cap of beers. Ironic. Don't you think? They sure do.

And what is a hipster. They're contradictions unto themselves. They're so against the grain that they drive it with their desire to isolate themselves from the brands they so loathe so they can afford the brands they so adore. I'm sure you've seen them flocking towards partially eaten fruit. They're second hand all the way until you take a look in their messenger bags and see their iPhone and Macbook. No wonder they're trying to save money. They're saving up for a new computer in a year. I'm more or less a hipster myself but self-applying such a name immediately removes me from the group. That sure was easy.

It's not just about hipsters though. Yeah, they're swine but society will deal with them in due time. Let's look at the other side of the coin. The other PBR drinkers. You know who they are. When the work day is done they're ready to get drunk. The problem they're faced with is prolonging the buzz without achieving what Jack Daniels fans do after about 45 minutes with a bottle of what they love. They reach for the watered down goodness of PBR since they're out and about. If they were home they'd just empty the 36 pack of Busch Light they got on the way home from work. They've worked hard and they're worth the extra fifty cents.

"You know PBR is pretty good. You should really try it."

You only think PBR is "pretty good" because it's all you and your broke-ass friends can afford. You want the cheapest possible beer so you can drink a lot of it since you're only drinking to get a drunk. If you want the same feeling I'd be more than happy to punch you in the head. You'll wake up with a sore noggin and no memory of the night before. On the upside your wallet will still have that $5 you've been saving to buy something really nice for your girlfriend when you celebrate that abortion she just got.

PBR sucks just as much as the three brews it strives to be cooler than. When you boil it all down you're feeding on the dregs and that's no place to be when beer is involved. I like beer. I prefer to enjoy it while drinking it and I can't enjoy it when I'm staggering about screaming like the village idiot. That's better left to people like my neighbors who, might I add, consider PBR to be too rich for their blood. I'll unplug a lamp before I make a compromise like that and honestly, if you're that hard up for cash your drinking habit might be part of that problem.

PBR, Keystone, Busch, Natural and the like are the beverages of losers.

I'll assume by the lack of head on that very full glass that Obama drinks PBR. From what I've heard he's also a Mac user so I'm pretty sure I'm right. What an asshole.


  1. HAHAHA! Classic blog entry. Love it.


    Yeah, I loved it so much I stooped to writing in caps.

    I admit i'd choose PBR over any of the other "cheap" choices. That'd be in a dire case of me being at someone elses house and they offer me a beer and I roll my eyes and accept with a bit of regret.

    You did forget the classic "Michigan" cheap beer... Milwaukee's Best. My friend's dad has a mini fridge in the garage that is stocked FULL of MB constantly. It's terrible crap.

  3. I'd love to write more but I don't get pissed off as much as I used to. Next time something pisses me off I'll be sure to write about it.

    I discovered Ol' Milwaukee at the 99 Cent store. Two for a buck. It barely tastes like beer. I'd drink it with some musician friends awhile back. I can't remember how the game worked but it always resulted in the loser having to drink one.