So this is what a white Christmas is like.

I've been living in the Midwest for three winters now and this is easily the most obnoxious. My first winter here was ridiculously cold. Last year was pretty mild except for one big storm that we missed while we were in California and some freezing rain that caught me by surprise. This year is another year of firsts for me.

We got a pretty good helping of snow in October while I was in California but I figured there would be more when I got home. Nope. No sign of any until December. November was pretty easy. There were some pretty warm days and getting around for Thanksgiving was a breeze. Then December rolled in and all bets were off.

Out here it's a well known fact that it's very hard to predict the weather because we sit right where everything seems to meet up meaning it could be any number of things depending on which way the wind is blowing or which storm system is stronger. Last year they sat on their hands and waited for things to happen before reporting for fear of being wrong. The result was a lot of people getting caught with their pants down while nature kicked their asses. Admittedly most people out here get their weather forecast by looking out the window and head out on even the worst of days. I think they really enjoy seeing their car in a tree or ditch on the news later in the evening.

A lot of people probably think Jill and I are a bit too obsessive about the weather. We're over-planners to begin with so it's only natural that we watch the radar prior to making any weekend plans. If it's going to be bad we stay in, canceling plans if needs be. It's just not worth the risk. Tangent over.

I've been through my first few blizzards and I think we're very fortunate that the snow accumulated the way it did. There's something magical about taking 30 minutes to quickly blow the little bit of snow from the driveway and sidewalk while the people across the street spend hours clearing their snow. Some do it in shifts. Others half-ass it and then drive through it for fear of breaking a sweat. Only one of them does his like clockwork. Here comes another tangent.

We have a neighbor we refer to as Gary Gone Wild since he spend his first summer here topless. He works out of his garage doing odd jobs fabricating things for people. He does okay with it. We have to listen to him grinding metal all day long but he does close shop in the evenings. Aside from the pile of junk he stores in his driveway he's one of my favorite neighbors. He's usually the first one out clearing snow. Like me, he does his entire driveway and sidewalk while everybody else just does their driveway since nobody gets ticketed for neglecting to do their sidewalks. I wish the rest of our neighbors had the same work ethic as Gary. Tangent number two complete.

Even though I've spent a great deal of my vacation trapped at home it's been really nice. The snow gives me a reason to go outside and stay busy rather than napping the day away. I say, bring on more snow as long as it continues to fall everywhere but my driveway.

Let it snow... for hours on end... and have it make the news.

My adorable wife took pity on me and suggested a snow blower this year. We shopped around and looked at a few. We were hesitant to take the plunge since they're expensive and we figured we'd have time to make an educated decision since there were plenty to choose from. The next day we heard on the news that we had 8 inches to look forward to on Tuesday. Snow on Sunday kept people out of the stores so we headed out Monday during my lunch break to buy one. There were just a few left so we lucked out. I'm sure there were a lot of disappointed people at Lowes that afternoon.

I figured out the trick to it pretty quick. I'm still adjusting to not having a completely clear driveway and sidewalk but I'll live. It's really nice to be able to effortlessly clear snow while my neighbors take a few hours to do theirs or half of theirs.

After a quick clearing the snow started to really fall and blizzard rumors were confirmed. Rather than worry about how much I was going to have to do the next day I chose to watch my neighbor instead...

Around midnight we saw lights and a Hyundai warming up in the driveway, surrounded by heavy snow. At the end of the driveway was a pickup sliding back and fourth. It was parked behind the Hyundai earlier. Their mother was visiting for the day and decided it would be a good idea to drive home that night. The real story however was the douche in his pickup. Rear wheel drive and deep snow don't compliment each other. Come to think of it neither does front wheel drive. A moderately intelligent person would have grabbed a shovel and cleared the driveway but this guy decided to just spin his wheels. His wife even came out with a shovel and instructions. Rather than listening he started pointing to where he wanted her to dig. She then threw the shovel into the yard and went back inside.

He was slightly peeved by this because from what I gather it's her job to do the shoveling. He dug a little bit hoping that if he could just get some momentum he would make it all the way up. Nope. He continued to spin his wheels for another half hour or so and even tried to find alternatives to shoveling. None of them worked of course. The mother and wife came out later and there was a brief argument. The wife then got behind the wheel and the mother and douche pushed the truck. She went up the street and was gone. We'd find out later on the next day that the truck was abandoned around the corner. The mother picked up the wife and they hopefully made it to wherever they were headed.

There is nothing better than watching my neighbors be dumb and they never disappoint.

I have a short list of movies that I will not watch ever again. It's not because I don't love these movies. I just don't like blubbering like a girl while watching a movie. My wife can cry during any movie but I'm more selective.

Most people think my list is too short. They immediately start naming movies I should be including but honestly as sad and tragic as those movies are I spend more time appreciating the story than I spend actually absorbing the moment enough to muster up some tears. For me it has to be a little more than just a depressing moment. That's why I don't cry watching most Robin Williams dramas, Dancer in the Dark or Shindler's List. I'd be lying if I didn't say that there is a dominant theme in the movies that affect me. I don't own these movies because I'd never watch them and I certainly don't leave them on TV when I come across them. I simply look for an educational program or sports to keep my mind occupied.

I'll feel sad in any movie where an animal dies. It's a funny thing about that. I can watch just about anybody get gunned down but as soon as something bad happens to a dog I feel bad even if the dog belongs to the villain.

Let's take a look at what does it for me. A few of these are guaranteed sobbers for most people that have seen them. If you haven't seen the movies don't spoil it by watching these clips.

Field of Dreams
Youtube doesn't have a the touching, yet manly conclusion. In summary, Costner plays catch with is dad and and then I get something in my eye. This one is pretty much man specific. I can't think of a lot of women who reach the end of this movie and break down.

Life is Beautiful
Most people regard holocaust films as a cop-out when compiling sad movie lists. This one is special because the point of view of the characters and a stellar performance by an obnoxious Italian. I saw this movie once and it was enough.


Sling Blade
I can watch BBT do Karl Childers over and over because it's damn funny and at the same time the sincerity of the character is profound.


The Iron Giant
Anybody who hasn't seen this cartoon probably thinks I'm dumb for turning on the waterworks at the end of a family movie. Give it a watch then call me. Superman bitches.


Feel free to share any movies you think I might have missed. I think it's a solid list. Remember I'm not talking about mopey movies. These are films that get me all choked up and require a certain amount of swallowing and blinking. I could do a million blogs about depressing movies.

The Dog

What's the deal with dogs? She has to take a crap and whines at me to take her outside. Once outside she wanders the yard for 10 minutes until she ultimately decides to go in the spot where she always goes.

When I need to do my business I don't wander from bathroom to bathroom in my house sniffing around to help me decide which of my three toilets is the best one to use.

Why are dogs so stupid?

You take the bad...

Let's talk about the Facts of Life. Not in general, mind you, the TV sitcom.


I never actually watched the show but I was recently made aware that one of the characters lost their virginity and it was a big deal. Looking at the picture above you probably thought what I though but no, it wasn't the hot chick. The actor who played Blair was overtly religious and refused so they went with the next logical choice. Yup, big ol' Natalie gave it up first.

WHAAA?

You heard me correctly. Natalie was apparently the best choice. Like me you're probably asking why? This has been lingering in my skull recently so I decided to plot it out. Most will quickly dismiss this by stating that the fat chick is almost always the first to reach home plate unless there is a slut in the group. There really isn't a slut in the group unless you count Cloris Leachman but I don't because she was a casting change later on in the series and doesn't really count. I think it goes much deeper than that. The way I see it many a long night was spent trying to figure out how to do this one. Here is how I think it went down.

I picture a room of very tired writers with white boards figuring it out. Let's start with Tootie.

Tootie - She was off the table faster than you can say "race card." They weren't about to have the black girl be a harlot. It was hard enough countering the other white broads. Plus she was too darned cute. America wouldn't believe it and it would send the wrong message.

Jo - She's pretty much saving herself for Blair and since we know half of that equation cherishes her virginity this one will occur only in our dreams. Mine consists of a greasy Jo riding up on her motorcycle then being washed by Blair. I doubt she'd climb Mount Natalie but who knows. If Jo was to have any form of intercourse with a man I'd assume it would involve her raping the guy.

Blair - Even if she was willing it would be too cliche. Plus she was so stuck up the only person she could make love to would be herself. What a bitch.

That pretty much leaves us with Natalie. I know that there wasn't a lot of love for the manatee of the group but when you think about it she really is the logical choice. When you have a group of ladies such as this the heifer needs to keep up and the best way to do that is by being easy and she most certainly was. Add to that the undeniable truth that nobody looked up to her as a role model and you've got a slam dunk for the coming of age storyline.

Why do such a storyline? They were still teaching abstinence back then so wouldn't it be more logical to have a story featuring her getting to second or third base? Admittedly you can't do a drunken blow job story on a program such as this and it would be too awkward having her say no while some dude feels her up even though that worked on other programs where they can have the attractive girl on the show take a stand for her rights as a lady. Remember Natalie was a role model to nobody so they couldn't use this angle.

This is just one of the many things I think about when I'm up late at night with nothing to watch or read.

I'm as mad as hell and I'm not going to take this anymore!

Nobody reads my blog so I've decided to use it to blow off some steam by talking about something that really burns my ass. Today we're going to talk about cheap beer and the losers that love it.

I'm not a beer snob in the least bit. Hell, I always have a couple of Miller Lights in the fridge just in case the mood hits me. It's pretty inexpensive considering what I typically drink. I like a good brown ale with just the right amount of everything that makes ale so damned good. I have a hard time justifying paying the extra cash for something I don't consume that often. Some would argue that's even more of a reason to buy the good stuff. I would tend to agree but I also like Miller Light. It keeps me out of the realm of beer snobbery but away from the riffraff I'm about to unload on.

I've heard my share of debate about how to best get drunk in the various drinking establishments I've patronized over the years. The most common one among marathon drunks is how best to get drunk. It's globally accepted that the best way to do so is by spending the least amount of money on something they don't really want to taste prior to turning it into piss.

Pabst Blue Ribbon (or PBR as they like to call it) is essentially a cooking beer that has become the mainstay of hipsters and Starbucks managers who like to socialize with a can of suds but refuse to pay more than a buck fifty for the stuff and even THAT is too much in some circles. When asked why they specifically order the stuff the usual reply is that it's better than Keystone, Busch Light, or Natural Ice. Three of the cheapest, blandest beers you can get without having to step into a 99 cent store. You're in a whole other class when you begin to look elsewhere for your hooch. It all pretty much tastes like piss and comes out exactly the same way it went in. In essence, PBR drinkers are piss connoisseurs. They've elevated this particular brand partially because of it's fifty cent premium over the lesser beers and because of a clever word of mouth campaign by Pabst (no really, look it up) to get the anti-cool kids to drink it thus making it the trucker cap of beers. Ironic. Don't you think? They sure do.

And what is a hipster. They're contradictions unto themselves. They're so against the grain that they drive it with their desire to isolate themselves from the brands they so loathe so they can afford the brands they so adore. I'm sure you've seen them flocking towards partially eaten fruit. They're second hand all the way until you take a look in their messenger bags and see their iPhone and Macbook. No wonder they're trying to save money. They're saving up for a new computer in a year. I'm more or less a hipster myself but self-applying such a name immediately removes me from the group. That sure was easy.

It's not just about hipsters though. Yeah, they're swine but society will deal with them in due time. Let's look at the other side of the coin. The other PBR drinkers. You know who they are. When the work day is done they're ready to get drunk. The problem they're faced with is prolonging the buzz without achieving what Jack Daniels fans do after about 45 minutes with a bottle of what they love. They reach for the watered down goodness of PBR since they're out and about. If they were home they'd just empty the 36 pack of Busch Light they got on the way home from work. They've worked hard and they're worth the extra fifty cents.

"You know PBR is pretty good. You should really try it."

You only think PBR is "pretty good" because it's all you and your broke-ass friends can afford. You want the cheapest possible beer so you can drink a lot of it since you're only drinking to get a drunk. If you want the same feeling I'd be more than happy to punch you in the head. You'll wake up with a sore noggin and no memory of the night before. On the upside your wallet will still have that $5 you've been saving to buy something really nice for your girlfriend when you celebrate that abortion she just got.

PBR sucks just as much as the three brews it strives to be cooler than. When you boil it all down you're feeding on the dregs and that's no place to be when beer is involved. I like beer. I prefer to enjoy it while drinking it and I can't enjoy it when I'm staggering about screaming like the village idiot. That's better left to people like my neighbors who, might I add, consider PBR to be too rich for their blood. I'll unplug a lamp before I make a compromise like that and honestly, if you're that hard up for cash your drinking habit might be part of that problem.

PBR, Keystone, Busch, Natural and the like are the beverages of losers.

I'll assume by the lack of head on that very full glass that Obama drinks PBR. From what I've heard he's also a Mac user so I'm pretty sure I'm right. What an asshole.