A Time To Vent

I don't vent very often and I really should. The problem is I don't have an audience to tear into and I'm not about to unload my various grievances onto my lovely wife. Feel free to read and comment as you see fit.

1. Public Restrooms
I don't frequently use public restrooms. I have a pretty massive bladder capacity and I tend to do my business prior to leaving the house so I don't have to use public facilities. Why you ask? The incredible amount of filth. I'm sure the ladies room isn't much better but I think our bathrooms are the worst.

Who are these disgusting people that use public restrooms like Japanese business men use prostitutes? This goes beyond claiming a space as your own. It's not like the people who "move in" when they get to their seat on a plane. Even though they certainly leave their mark it's not like they plan on returning to claim said area.

I'm sure they can manage using their own bathroom without making it a work of modern art so why is it as soon as they reach an area that somebody else cleans they revert to the level of primates and go where they please. It's disgusting. Oh yeah. Wash your damn hands!

2. Guy who let his dog shit in the street.
Just because you let your dog shit in the street instead of on somebody's lawn or on the sidewalk doesn't let you off the hook for cleaning it up. You're a pig and your dog is ashamed of you.

3. DJ's on the Radio or lack thereof.
I'm not old but I can still remember a time where DJ's were necessary for good radio. They were required to not only know how to work a sound board but to also *gasp* put together a play list and let us know what we're listening to and why it's significant enough to play in the first place. This was before quotas to play a certain song a certain amount of times each day existed. Radio used to kick ass.

Some stations still employ somebody to take us through the song list even though said list is meticulously controlled by an unseen corporate entity. Rarely do they actually know about the music that they're about to play or just played. I understand there's not much you can say about Miley Cyrus' "Party in the USA" but there are occasionally songs that have substance that get played and many of us would like to know a little about the song or artist involved. Instead we get the time of day and a half assed weather or traffic report. First of all we already know what time it is because our car has a clock otherwise our cell phone does. Secondly, if we're sitting in traffic we're well aware that we're sitting in traffic and for those of us that sit in said traffic every day don't really need to be told why. We already know it's due to poor civil engineering and/or some jackhole that rear ended another jackhole while text messaging to his/her significant other that they're stuck in traffic.

If you're a DJ and have to use time fillers then basically you're only good for taking calls and responding for the most part. That pretty much only qualifies you for the fast food industry although you do need to know how to make change so I guess your options are limited. Enjoy employment while it lasts. Most stations now consist of a computer that plays the chosen singles and commercials without your interference. It will be doing your job soon.

4. The giant insect that flew in while the door was open.
Were you waiting for me to open the door? I think you were. The first thing you'll do is orbit one of the lights in my kitchen like Skylab before following more of a comet trajectory that takes you past my TV every fifteen seconds which forces me to get up and swat at you. I won't hit you and you'll disappear until I get to my bedroom which is where you've apparently been hiding all night. I'll hit you with my slipper and you vanish again. Next stop, my outer ear at 6:45am. So much for sleeping in. You'll likely die of natural causes since there is no way I'll ever be able to kill you. You're as cunning as a mongoose and as smart as a slice of buttered bread.

5. Car slobs.
It's no mystery that I like a nice clean car. It tortures me that my wagon is all dirty in the garage right now. At least it's not full of garbage. My wife may have an impressive Kleenex collection in her car but at least I know I'm not going to find a chicken leg bone sitting on a floor mat. I try to clean it out periodically. Once I have a good weekend both cars will get their bi-annual detailing.

To some it's just a car. A means of getting from here to there. To others it's a landfill. Give them the keys and they'll turn a cup holder into a ketchup tray for their fries. There is no excuse. You're a slob plain and simple.

6. One month anniversaries
What the fuck is this. It takes a year to have an anniversary. Annual!!! You can celebrate one month of not breaking up or a week of exclusive screwing all you want. Just don't call it an anniversary because it's not.

7. LOL
This means laughing out loud or at least that's what it used to mean. Somewhere along the way LOL replaced the period. I've never used it because I rarely laugh out loud when doing anything online with the exception of looking at pictures of cats with poorly spelled captions.

In the proper context it would be an appropriate response to something genuinely funny or even at the tail end of a statement that you consider hilarious. Instead it's used to complete most coherent or incoherent thought. Here are some examples.

Correct = Bla bla bla bla bla... The Aristocrats! LOL
Incorrect = I'm going to the store later LOL

It's not rocket science. The top statement is easily funny and therefore an individual may actually be laughing or at least wish they could if they still felt emotions. The second statement isn't even funny to the person who made the statement. LOL is just this knee-jerk statement that is the internet equivalent to a ham radio operator saying, "Over." Knock it off or I'll knock it off for you.

8. We met online
No you didn't. If you haven't made eye contact you haven't met yet. You're still acquaintances as far the universe goes. You're actually more acquainted with the Moon since you've actually laid eyes on it. It's like me saying I've been to Australia based upon what I've read about it and pictures I've seen though I've never actually been there. If you can't say for certain what they look like in person you haven't met. Yet another case where the internet has muddied our vocabulary.


This concludes my rant. It feels good to get these things off my chest. They're not the only things that burn my ass but it's a good start. I feel pretty good now. Thanks for reading. Remember to wash your hands.

WDW Trip Report - Day 6

Monday - Part 1 - Hurm...

I woke up this morning not feeling as well as I had been feeling this whole trip. I loaded up on the galaxy of drugs Jill brought along and we headed out for breakfast then the Magic Kingdom. If I ignore it, it will go away.

Buzz Lightyear was a delightfully humid ride which made the lazers easy to spot. I got an awesome score and gawked at everybody else's small scores. Kids suck at Buzz Lightyear. No trip to Tomorrow Land is complete without a trip on the People Mover. We moseyed around for a bit afterward and snapped some photos in Toon Town. I don't feel any better.

We hopped on the train and rode it around to Frontier Land. We weren't about to do another trip without visiting Tom Sawyer Island. We took a crowded boat over and snapped a butt load of photos. I was delighted (yes delighted) that their Fort Wilderness is actually open. The Disneyland Fort Wilderness first saw the removal of the rifles then they just closed it down completely. Bitches. More good times on Big Thunder Mountain then it was time for lunch.

We spotted people eating with a nice view of Small World the other day so we went to the Village Haus and nabbed a table right by the glass. I waved at everybody. It was a nice lunch. We heard a familiar sound but not what we'd expect to hear at a Disney restaurant. The SHHHHHK! of a two liter bottle got me looking around. I saw a lady pulling a couple of them out of a backpack. The cheapness of it all.

We walked back to the Frontier Land train station and took it to Tomorrow Land since we didn't feel like taking a short walk from the Village Haus to the People Mover. We're dumb like that sometimes. The awesomeness of the People Mover made up for it. We grabbed another Dole Whip and pondered the rest of our day. We realized that we hadn't done the Haunted Mansion yet. It beckoned that we hurry back. I think little Leota is jealous of the People Mover.

We emptied our locker and headed to the Monorail so we could finish our day at Epcot. I'm feeling pretty lousy right now. I was doing great all day. Either the drugs were wearing off or I was about to succumb to illness. I blame the scurvy people on Midway Mania the day before.

We started with Spaceship Earth which we love just as much as the People Mover. Jill and I love our slow moving rides. Innoventions was next on the list since we really wanted to do THE SUM OF ALL THRILLS. I have to write in all caps. At this point I was really focusing on pretending I felt fine. Jill didn't want our fake roller coaster to be too exciting so we kept the speed and the hills to a minimum. My impending sickness was immediately forgotten after the ride attendant closed the lid on my manly bits. You heard me right. The next element of surprise was what happens when you have a looping roller coaster going as slow as possible. Physics ensured that we went through the loops very slowly. Next time we're going to make it thrilling. I'm talking super thrilling.

I was starting to slow down at this point. We visited the shops in the world showcase again and settled down in Morocco for Tea and Baklava. Both were very good and I forgot about how sick I was. This was easily one of our nicest evenings. We like Morocco.

After that I was starting to run out of juice so Jill was nice enough to let us go back to the room. I loaded up on drugs again and fell asleep. In hindsight I should have just endured for the rest of the night but I had no idea I would feel the way I did the next morning.

Stay tuned for the thrilling conclusion to my trip report.

WDW Trip Report - Day 5 - Really this time.

Sunday - Part 1 - I got nuthin'

We did our usual morning routine. If you really want to know what we did go and look at either of the Saturday reports.

I know a lot of people like Hollywood Studios but to me it feels like a bit of a chore. It's a lot like Farmville or Pet Society. You just do it because it's there. I just don't feel it. There are some great rides and there are some terrible rides. One of those terrible rides is The Great Movie Ride. What the fuck right? It's a good idea poorly executed... by a firing squad. Every gun was fired but it survived. They try hard to make aspects of it exciting but at less than 1mph you have way to much time to analyze the poor animatronics and deadpan spiel that the depressing tour guide has clearly done too many times. Our tour guide, who we'll call Antoine since I can't remember his name, was gayer than a pink Christmas tree. That was actually the most entertaining aspect about this ride. Sadly he left us halfway through so some mousy broad trying to sound like a Texan mentally counted the seconds until the end of her shift/life. At the end they asked us to exit stage right. This would have been fine except stage right is actually left. It's Florida so I'll forgive them.

Next on the list was the Tram Tour which we actually like. It's about as entertaining as a mime but we still do it because it kills some time and the special effects display with tourists is quite entertaining particularly because nobody wants to do it.

We grabbed some pretzels then headed over to see the stunt show. It's amazing how quickly seven Brazilian tour groups can fill a stadium while your wife uses the bathroom. We got decent seats off to the side and had an incredible laugh when it started raining on a bunch of people. Good times. The show is great and makes me want to drive like a maniac. My car is too big for those kinds of hijinks.

Rock N Rollercoaster was next on the menu. It's nice to see familiar freeway signs and not having to sit in traffic on them. What's a She-daisy?

We were pleased to find some new pathways at the park. Last time we went there was a lot of extra walking because of dead ends. We were also pleased to find Midway Mania which is one of our favorite rides. We got to ride it a bazillion times at California Adventure but for some reason the lines were really long here. Some cock-feature was hacking up a lung in line for this ride. More on that later. Jill and I kick ass at Midway Mania. We know where one of the Easter Eggs are for getting lots of points. Jill is more accurate but I have stronger arms so I win in the points department. I rule. I'm done with this place. Let's go to the Magic Kingdom.

Sunday - Part 2 - Something witty.

When we arrived at the Magic Kingdom the rain started to really come down. It was so heavy that the mic'd people in the parade that was going on said their spiel really fast then high floored it to the backstage area. Jill hung out at the Emporium while I ran back to the locker for our raincoats. As soon as I got back to Jill with our raincoats the rain stopped and didn't return. Fuck. The park really cleared out due to the rain. I'm guessing once everybody got shuttled away it wasn't worth coming back. Their loss.

We hit up the Haunted Mansion first and it was empty Jill had a bit of a head start on me and entered the doom buggy that the attendant told her to go to. I made it there just in time for the safety bar to close on me. These close with a lot more power than the ones at Disneyland close with. Ouch.

After that we slowly walked to Big Thunder Mountain. No lines again. I love this park on rainy days. What better way to finish up Frontier Land than with the Country Bear Jamboree. They tore it out at Disneyland to make room for Pooh. I enjoyed the show. Jill did too.

The Jungle Cruise is always an afterthought for us which is strange because we love the ride. We skipped it the last time we were there and I'm glad we decided to throw it in. The skipper sucked but they do at Disneyland now too. I miss the days when they were allowed to have fun with it. I was really pleased with the unique features and will definitely go on it again.

Why yes, we'll go on the Haunted Mansion again. I managed to make it into the doom buggy this time. We got out in time for the crappy fireworks to finish up and waited for them to let us back into Fantasy Land. Everybody ran like idiots towards their respective rides. Jill and I walked casually and got on Peter Pan without really waiting. We rule.

Since new experiences were what we were all about this time out Philharmagic was next up. It's nice to see Donald get some dedicated action. We'll do it again.

No trip to the Magic Kingdom is complete without a trip on the P-Mover. Rawk!

Jill snapped a butt load of castle photos then we headed back to the hotel for some much needed rest.

Thanks for reading. I love you.

So sue me

I wrote about the same day twice. It was a good day. Get off my back.

WDW Trip Report - Day 4 - Deja Vu

Saturday - Part 1 - Takin' it easy

We slept in a little today but not too much though I would have liked to on account of how lazy I am. We hit the food court a little later thanks to the extra ZZZ's but there was still the usual riffraff lurking about. It was nice not jumping on a bus right after we ate.

We hung out in our room for about as long as we could handle that God awful Stacey promo channel. When schedule allows, Jill and I always like to roam around our hotel and see all that there is to see. We took photos of all the gigantic crap and read the little fun facts about each year that are posted on signs near the lake. We also walked across the bridge to get a closer look at the abandoned hotel on the other side of the lake. It's too bad that they couldn't finish it. I would have liked to stay over there.

Saturday - Part 2 - Stop staring at my wife

We decided that the bowling pin pool would have the least amount of pee in it so we threw on our suits and headed over. The water was pretty cold so I had to pull force Jill down the steps and into four feet of chilly death. We were fine after a few minutes. Jill felt a little uncomfortable since the life guard was keeping an eye on her. It's rough when you're the only skinny person in the pool that isn't a hairy man. Once we were tired of staring at each other and the beached whales reading Daniel Steele books we headed back to our room to shower up.

We had a moderately good lunch at the food court again then we headed off to Epcot which really stole some thunder from Animal Kingdom this time out.

Saturday - Part 3 - No barf bags???

We did hit up Spaceship Earth again. You know you've been on a ride too many times when you start to recognize cast members in a park you visit every other year. After that I talked Jill into doing Mission Space. She was a good sport and hit all of her buttons. Interestingly enough all the barf bags that were there the last time I rode were gone. It didn't stink so I'm guessing somebody stole them. Why didn't I think of that the other night? She didn't find it to be as thrilling as everybody made it out to be either and it will definitely be one a stop on future trips.

There was still time to kill so we took a leisurely stroll through the world showcase and went into every shop except the ones that sell perfume because they stink.

Saturday - Part 4 - Nice cans

Restaurant Marrakesh was our next stop and we were a little concerned after the disaster that was Coral Reef. The friendly staff seated us right away. Not a Brazilian in sight. This might be a good dinner. We ordered some mint tea and I got a boozy drink and the beef brewat rolls. I wasn't expecting cinnamon and beef to go well together but they were incredibly good. Jill even ate some which surprised me. She's become very adventurous with food lately. I saw Ghandi in the kitchen and Jill didn't believe that I did until he came out with a drum and sang a birthday song to a happy little girl.

Our entrees came out in no time and we got to savor the flavors before the entertainment came out. Ghandi, some other guy, and a quite attractive belly dancer. I did more drooling over my dinner but the belly dancer did have a nice set of cans. She brought a bunch of kids out to belly dance with her. It was so adorable I almost threw up my delicious dinner. The number was over quickly and the crisis was averted.

I ordered a dessert of fruit and ice cream that was quite good. While eating it some woman dragged her backpack across our table and almost spilled what was left of my very expensive booze. I wanted to be angry at her but it turns out she was blind. I blame her husband for not helping her through the tight area. Nothing spilled so we ignored the little snafu and got ready to leave. Our waiter looked like Aladdin so we gave him a gigantic tip. Restaurant Marrakesh gets an A+ and will has become pretty much our favorite place to blow some cash.

Saturday - Part 5 - Illooooooosions

We timed our dinner so we could catch Illuminations. We asked a cast member where the best spot to see it was and she directed us to the most popular area to watch it. We should have been more specific when we asked for a good place to watch. We should have asked her where we could watch it without having to stand ass to crotch with the all the mouth breathers we've been smelling for the past four days. We went to the same spot I watched some if the other night. The real bummer was that it would have been a much shorter walk had we not taken the long way around the world showcase. Oh well. I thought the show was very good. I don't think I'll ever watch it again.

The crowds were pretty heavy after the show so we planted ourselves on a bench and watched the mod clear out. We walked through a few more shops then went back to the hotel where we slept and turned our delicious dinner into fat.

I'll try to get the rest of the days done since I know both of my readers are antsy to read the rest.

WDW Trip Report - Day 4

Saturday - Part 1 - Sleeping in...

...until 9:30am. Jill wasn't about to let us sleep in as long as I usually sleep in. Personally, I think it's nice to wake up at the crack of noon on Saturday. Even though we sawed a few extra logs there were still the usual amount of riffraff in the food court. Apparently the dumbest people in our hotel sleep in as well because they were out in full force. We had the usual people trying to figure out the dining plan as well as those who already did and were hoping to sneak less food by the vigilant checkout people. You'd think they'd just accept that maybe somebody doesn't want half the menu for breakfast. I was also introduced to a new type of food court patron. While everybody with even a modicum of common decency would see the line they're at the head of and NOT leave their tray in front of a confused checker while they fill up their mug but this guy decided it was the best thing to do at that moment. Dickhole! This may have also been the morning where Jill saw a grown woman pick her nose and flick the booger but I'm not sure.

I refilled my coffee after breakfast and headed back to the room to sit on my duff for a bit and watch Stacy be obnoxious on TV. I swear I saw her in the food court with some douche bag but I'm pretty sure Disney at least puts her up in a moderate resort.

Jill and decided to wander about our resort and take just a shit load of pictures. I make another failed attempt at taking panoramic photos. I promised to figure it out before our Disneyland trip but I'm sure I won't get around to taking the three minutes needed to learn how.

After much debate we hit up the bowling pin pool because there weren't any kids peeing in that one. It was chilly but quiet. Jill wasn't happy about the lifeguard watching her. I tried to explain that is was his job to watch us and she just happened to be the only person in the pool besides me that didn't weigh more than 300 lbs. I finished doing my fifty laps and we were done. By fifty laps I mean swimming in circles around Jill for thirty minutes. We showered up and grabbed some lunch at a now empty food court before heading to Epcot.

Saturday - Part 2 - I sure do love Spaceship Earth

It was quite nice to take our time going to Epcot. We anticipated large groups of people so we planned to just walk around and soak up the scenery. It looks like Epcot wasn't the place for Brazilians today. Lucky us. We hit up Spaceship Earth because it's right there and that's how we roll. The camera can't seem to get my face right even though it has no trouble getting Jill's. It's not like I'm tanned and she's white. We're both as white as Rush Limbaugh's ass. I think it was because I didn't feel like taking my hat off. Our cartoon's were still hilarious.

Jill let me talk her into doing Mission Space instead of waiting until after dinner. We hit our buttons and had a good time. She agrees that it's not even remotely as horrible as everybody made it out to be. Maybe I can get her to do the ballsy side next time we go. Yeah, and maybe I'm a Chinese jet pilot.

We had a little more time to kill before our "reservation" so we started hitting up the shops in the world showcase. I recall there being a very attractive German broad hocking wine. I can make comments like this because Jill lusts after David Cook and Zachary Quinto. I don't even remember what she looked like. I need to make better use of my wandering eye privileges.

It was finally time for dinner. We were really worried about our meal prospects after the horrendous lunch at Coral Shit er I mean Reef. They seated us really quickly which was already a good sign. Our table was in a good spot since there wasn't a giant aquarium right next to us. We ordered some tea and I got some booze and a weird appetizer from our server who looked like Aladdin. Jill tried my brewat rolls and enjoyed them too. I saw Ghandi walking around and then he came out, played a drum and sang happy birthday to a confused child.

Our food showed up very quickly and the first bites set me at ease as did the belly dancer who came out. She had very nice cans. Jill agreed. She let a bunch of kids come and dance with her. It was so cute it border lined on disgusting. Our meal went off without a hitch until some woman dragged her backpack across our table while squeezing between the tightest possible spot to get to her table. Our annoyance was short lived when I realized she was blind. Should I have let her off the hook? At the very least her husband should have at least helped her through. I saved our beverages from being spilled so I figured very little harm no foul. Service was snappy and dessert rocked. Who knew ice cream, fruit, and honey could be so good. Restaurant Marrakesh will be in our future trips. *Burp*

Saturday - Part 3 - Illuminations

We asked a nice lady where the best place to see Illuminations was. She suggested an area that was full of people by the time we got there. After a brief look we decided to watch them from where I got to see most of them the last time we were there. The real bummer is that we took the long way around. I think it was a shorter walk from Morocco to Norway counter clockwise. Exercise schmexercise. Illuminations was quite good. I'd see it again. The only problem was the Brazilian tour group standing in front of us. Normally we wouldn't really notice them. This group was the exception because along with the flag bearing tour guide they were also wearing bright yellow track suits. I want one. We hit up a few more shops and decided that was it for us. We were full of food and tomorrow is another day.

Thanks for joining me for this little look at our Saturday. Stay tuned for Sunday. It's the day after Saturday. It happens frequently.