ACIF

Aw crap, it's Friday. I'm really disappointed.

1. Film remakes
It's easy to say that Hollywood is out of ideas but they're not. There are plenty of great films being made every year that are ignored because they don't fit the mold. They've resorted to this lazy strategy of simply remaking old, popular films in the hopes that they'll be popular. Do they think we won't notice? Certainly not. They HOPE we won't notice and they're method of hiding it is by changing the ethnic background or age group of the cast. Yes, the films make money but not because they're awesome. The stories themselves are completely overshadowed by cheap sight gags, catch phrases, and toilet humor. Thank God some film makers still want Golden Globes bad enough to make good movies.

2. Florida
I like to think I'm moderately well traveled but admittedly there are a lot of places I haven't been that I probably should go. One of the places I have been is Florida. Having grown up in California I ventured out into the world with a somewhat jaded image of life in "foreign" states. I never felt the need to visit Florida. To me it's always been California's sweaty cousin. I've only personally witnessed the Walt Disney World aspect of it but I think the majority of the people visiting are from the area and it paints a very accurate picture. The people who live there don't know it's a cesspool and I think it's because of an inflated feeling of worth not unlike California. It's America's schlong and it will always be that to me.

3. Burger King
I used to like Burger King. When I worked there during my teenage years I actually enjoyed the food for the most part. Lately they've put more money into marketing and less into the food. Don't get me wrong. Breakfast there is still great but after 10:30am it all goes downhill. When people say they're going to Burger King I politely decline in favor of going hungry. The place smells like burnt beef and the food tastes about the same. Don't even get me started on the fries.

4. The Burger King
What the fuck is up with that guy?

5. Country folk that don't know they're not in the country
It's safe to say I live in a pretty white part of the country. There are several cultures out here but in general it's rife with Whitey. I don't mind the obnoxiousness of most Caucasian groups. Rich folks protesting the war, Christian youth group leaders, soccer moms, and even granola crunching hippies are all part of the landscape and don't bug me one but. Most of them are very nice and don't pollute my person space. Then there are the country folk. Truck driving, tobacco spitting, dry humping, camo wearing, lawn littering crackers from the sticks move into neighborhoods near the outskirts of town. Note that I said NEAR. It's like they think it's their personal mission to combat urban sprawl by breaking down the walls of civilization one neighborhood at a time. They buy a tract home then proceed to turn it into their own little place in the woods or at least I assume that's their reason for not mowing their lawn or putting up a fence. They let their dog roam freely like it would on an acreage with little regard for their neighbors. The keep as many vehicles as possible because you never know when one might break. Thankfully they park them in the driveway or on the street though I know some would prefer parking them on their lawn. If they want to live in the country they should get a trailer and move there.

6. Sex and the City
Who do these bitches think they are? There's no end in sight and a third film is almost a given. It will likely be some stupid horse wedding but anybody with half a brain will realize it's simply a Golden Girls prequel. They're way too privileged to be even remotely realistic. The "grounded in reality" version of the show would feature four ladies in their mid twenties. Each would live in a crappy apartment far from where they all hang out and they'd spend all their time banging dudes they think are wealthy but actually live in Jersey and work at a tire shop. I'd pay to see that.

HOT DAMN! It's Friday!

I'm in a pretty good mood today so I'm going to talk about stuff I like. It's easy for me to complain about stuff I hate because there are so many asinine things out there to scoff at. Here's some stuff I like.

1. Hall & Oates

Freaking rad. Show me somebody who doesn't like Hall & Oates and I'll show you somebody that doesn't have an ounce of soul. I can barely describe just how good Hall & Oates is. The hooks are as addictive as crack and John Oates has an honest to God Tom Selleck moustache. I'm actually convinced that they share a moustache which is why you never see them together. Tom has probably been hoarding it as John hasn't been wearing it for some time. Maybe he had it on loan during their heyday.

2. Brownies
Anybody that's seen me polish off a pan of brownies knows that I love brownies. I like pie and cake is pretty good on occasion but brownies are all that is wonderful in the world of food. I hold it in the same high esteem as bacon.
Look at how awesome they are.


3. Station Wagons
I don't know who ruined the station wagon but for everybody. At one point they were the premier family hauler. They were purpose built to traverse the long stretches of highway in our great nation. At some point soccer mom's wanted something large and stupid. I say bring back the station wagon. Road trips rule and so do wagons.
These people are clearly having the time of their life. They just got in off the road and are now going to cruise the Pacific in their yacht.

I drive a station wagon. Ford doesn't call it that but that's exactly what it is.


I promise to have things to hate next week.

Late Rant

I didn't do my Friday rant last week because I had a busy Friday and just wanted to get away from the computer. Here's a quickie to hold you over.

1. Douchebags
These days there is no shortage of douchebags, tools, dickheads, etc. You know who you are. Tribal tattooed, Ed Hardy shirt, Tap Out hat turned backwards, and some pathetic broad paying your bar tab. When did this become okay? I know we've always had an assortment of dickheads out there to give the finger to but it seems that they've incorporated lately.

Not only have women become more dependent on these pricks but now it seems to be something that people aspire to be. Where does the problem lie? It's pretty obvious. The women that dig these guys.

There's no cure for douchbaggery. There isn't going to be some tool prohibition that will end this once and for all. As long as there are girls with low self esteem there will be plenty of assholes to take advantage of them.

My only hope is that my child will not fall into this crowd.

Check this out.

This is why we can't have nice things...

I look forward to Fridays. It's nice knowing you won't have to go to work the next day but for me it's more than that. I get to complain about everything that annoyed me in the past week. I don't discriminate. I'll take on everything from the government to your grandma, or even that toe nail that found its way into your sock and is now stabbing your foot. I hate that.

1. The Room
It's an incredible piece of cinema. The title itself immediately lets us know that there is no plot and the filming is mostly isolated to one poorly decorated room. I love a piece garbage film and I'll watch just about anything but this film is completely unwatchable. I tried I really did. I'll make another attempt at one time or another but I really don't... Oh, hi Mark.


2. Cigars
I used to like a nice cigar but with all things my appreciating for something handcrafted is immediately destroyed when douche bags decide they need something obnoxious to accentuate their pinkie rings. Thanks to their new found hobby I suddenly see what I didn't see before. Big brown dicks. That's what they look like now. When I look around a cigar bar I see a bunch of bald(ing) men sucking cigars like there's a $20 in it a for them.

3. Knock off cartoons at Walgreens
As soon as Disney puts out a cartoon it's not very long until the knock offs show up. They only take what I assume are a couple of weeks to do and just barely look like what they're intended to be mimicking. They're designed to pray off of grandmothers that only shop at Walgreens and don't know what a "Toy Story" is. Generally kids don't care as long as it's a cartoon. I was one of those kids that did care. It's in the dollar bin for a reason. Just get me some candy.

4. Separation of church and state
The concept is something I agree in. Keep the government out of churches. Americans have the freedom to believe as they choose or at least they used to. The generalized purpose of keeping the two separate has mutated to a belief that our the US government is to be atheist. The biggest part of atheism is to create more atheists. In essence it's a religion but without an individual deity. The crusaders against religion use the church and state separation to push their beliefs which is in direct contrast to what it should be. The government should be agnostic.

Short list this week which is good. It means people aren't annoying me as much. I will have a good weekend now.

F-Off Friday

Not a week goes by where I don't look at the world and think "What the hell is wrong with people?" Here is who has annoyed me this week.

1. People who call grills barbecues - It's a grill. Barbecue is either the act of seasoning/flavoring meat then cooking it over an open fire or simply the food itself. It is not a grill. Making hot dogs and hamburgers on a grill is not barbecuing. This guy on TV the other night kept talking about where he was going to put his barbecue and I just about punched out the TV. I'm not a violent person but this really burns (barbecues?) my ass.

2. Robots or lack thereof - There was a time when robots were promised to be the saviors of the near future. They'd farm the fields and clean the kitchen. The concept was a big deal at the beginning of the atomic age. Thanks to communism and an increasingly stupid work force, those promises of robotic servants doing all of those basic tasks so we can pursue things of a more scholarly nature have been quelled to ensure Jasper can have a job cleaning toilets and mopping floors in between Klan rallies. Those of us that did consider ourselves with regards to education and obtaining skills to succeed on a grander level have the Roomba to sweep the floor. I'm so disappointed in humanity.

3. New Jersey - Speaking of disappointments, let's talk about New Jersey. I could do an entire blog on this state but I'll just touch on a few key points so you can go out and enjoy your Friday night. It's hard to pick a starting point because just thinking about these people get me steamed. Metro-sexuality is still going strong in the Garden State. If you thought the ladies were made up like clowns a simple look at the fellas requires a triple take. Not that the ladies don't try to outdo them. There's something about a deep tan combined with bronzer that makes white eye shadow and fake lashes look all the more clownish. Thin eyebrows and equally groomed pseudo beards leave the rest of us wondering who thinks this looks good. This is also one of those states we can look to as blame for not having servant robots. To create more jobs for the morons that populate "Smellyville" they don't allow you to pump your own gas even though pretty much everybody else in this country can manage to do it themselves.

4. Optimists and Pessimists - The glass is half full. The glass is half empty. Did you really need to grab such a big glass? Maybe you should just put some ice in that glass. Optimists like making lemonade when life gives them lemons. Pessimists worry that nobody is going to buy half empty glasses of lemonade. People should just let the universe do what it's going to do and enjoy what they're doing. I have bad luck but rather than worry about it or look on the bright side I simply experience my fortune (both good and bad) with a slight chuckle. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow isn't here yet. Live in the now.

5. People that don't watch TV - You know the type. Every once and awhile we encounter intellectual types who spew forth statements like "I don't own a TV" or "I don't watch TV." It's not because they don't like TV or can't afford one. They simply get off on leading people to believe that they're so intellectual that books and wine are enough to entertain them. Bullshit! They watch American Idol and Survivor just like the rest of us. The only difference is that the rest of us can do so without being ashamed. Since when do only stupid people like entertainment. TV rocks.

A different observation

My last blog entry was a little wordy and very boring. I have another observation about a completely different topic. I think this one is far more amusing that the health care debate. Let's talk about guys who tell other guys to suck their dick as a means to insult them.

Since when is it okay for a dude to ask another dude for sucky sucky? Even in the context of emasculating somebody you're still making a request of a man that a straight man never would.

The fact that men state it so plainly has me wondering about men that say this to other men. I've never said such a thing to another man because I immediately think, "Why am I about to ask this man to fellate me? Is that what I really want him to do?"

I think it was originally a statement for the other party to perform oral sex on another man in a private setting where the gentleman making the request doesn't have to see it occurring. It has become a request to not only be present for the oral stimulation but to be the receiving party as well. This likely took place in either a prison or at a frat party both of which usually see their fair share of homoerotic activity.

This...

...is pretty much the same thing as this.


I know that a great deal of men lack the ability to hold their beverage or are simply angered to the point of seeking out men they assume/hope are gay for the purpose of pointing out that they know they are gay and that they have a vested interest in kicking their posterior. We can only assume that by "kicking" they actually mean "make sweet love to."

I'd honestly never get all up in some dude's grill because I might be welcoming a kiss from a sexually confused meat head all hopped on steroids. I'd probably just yell at them rather than hint at what could be construed as having feelings for them. I don't want to send the wrong message. I'm happily married and I'd hate to lead them on.

This is a perfectly acceptable form of intimidation.


For all you dudes out there, think long and hard (but not about dicks unless that's your thing) before telling another guy to suck your dick. You may be indirectly telling him you think he's gay but you're also indirectly telling him that YOU'RE gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that.