Thursday, March 24, 2011

What's your deal, asshole?

A friend of mine had a great update on the Facebook today.

Generally men aren't assholes. They only act that way because women love assholes. I'm fortunate to have a wife that doesn't love assholes but if I wasn't fortunate enough to have such a wife I could very easily find somebody.

I'm not talking just anybody either. I could be picky. That hot broad over there? Mine. How does one like me do so? It's a pretty easy recipe. Start with some Ed Hardy stuff. A loud shirt and some kind of off-road hat with a flat bill. A pair of Diesel jeans and whatever shoes douchebags are wearing these days will go nicely with a slight smirk. I lack muscles so a sweatshirt will be needed to hide my "guns" deficit.

The next step is attitude. A posse will only get you so far so you need to shout at the ladies. "S'up bitches" is a good ice breaker. Eventually a girl ranking at least a 7 on the "hotness" scale will bite. This does not equal a score though. You need a follow up to your smooth line. "Come back after I've had a few" will plant the seed. Break eye contact at this point then tell your friends that she would be hotter if it wasn't for her saggy tiddies. This will prompt her to make a bra adjustment then hang out nearby until you soften your approach a little bit. This will be the only tricky part of the evening as you need to dial it back a bit otherwise you'll come off as too much of a pussy. Every line you deliver is like a joke sans punchline.

Break off from your posse long enough to get her name and give her your "party" name. Mine is Sluggo because I'll knock out anybody who messes with me. This lets her know that I'm brave enough to talk to her and won't back down from a fight. This will get her excited. Once you've established that she's easy you need to crank it up to 11. Tell her that her outfit kind of makes her look easy. She may act like she doesn't like hearing that but that's exactly why she wore what she wore.

This is a good time to take a break. Go make a phone call or use the bathroom. Try to do it as abruptly as possible to let her know that she's not important. Ignore her for the next 30 minutes. Don't even look at her. If possible look at the most attractive girl in her group. More courageous assholes would hit on this girl as well but it's not necessary. This will annoy your prospective lay initially but when you go back to hitting on her she'll be so jazzed that you've decided she's the one of her group you want to bang she'll pretty much be good to go.

At this point you can take her home and give her the best 30 seconds of sex she's had in the past week or at the very least get a handy int he parking lot. At this point you're done with her. She'll want you from this day forth so she'll make a good stand by for your booty call list.

Rational people would read this and say, "Hey, asshole. What makes you think you could pick up women that way?" Every girl that has ever dated or married an asshole, that's what.

1 comment:

  1. Thankfully...there are plenty of women who don't like assholes. It's usually the dumb ones who like the jerks. Just sayin'.